The Other Woman

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Christmas2010

Don Moen - He Never Sleeps

Your Hands by JJ Heller

Picture with Santa

YAY! The first year where all 4 kids are sitting with Santa.  I thought JD woudn't do it.  At first, he didn't want to  and then Santa gave him a candy cane, then he changed his mind.

My kids are growing up so fast.   How they grow up too fast...

JD's Christmas Show

 JD wasn't very excited for the Christmas show at school.  Hubs and I were able to enjoy the show without any kids on hand.  Too bad we weren't able to get a seat.  It's a very small church pre-school and they don't have a big auditorium.  I think you have to arrive 45 minutes ahead to just get a seat.  It was alright.  The show is not too long so standing was not bad.

 He saw us and he seemed so serious.

 They gave a christmas story of the night Jesus was born.  It was so cute.  The pre-k class were a part of that.  The 2 years old were the sheep.  (so cute) and the 3 year old, JD's class, were the children they called to come see the baby Jesus.

I kept asking JD if he was going to sing "loud" and he then he says, " I sing quiet!"  He's such a shy little boy.

The Sing-Off

The Sing-Off finale is this Monday.  I can't wait.  I am late watcher.  I didn't hear any buzz  about this show, last year  and I think I did see one commercial and dismissed it as an American Idol wanna be.  But after seeing all this hype about the show via facebook 2 weeks after the premiere of season 2 ... I checked it out.  Didn't realize it was an acappella  singing competition.  It was amazing.  It is amazing what they can do with their voices.  I love how it's a team competition.  How they need to work together to sound good.  This is such my thing... drama singing with dancing.

I remember being really into my chorale group in school and my high school had an accapella group.  I was interested and wanted to do theatre, too.  We had a great arts program but I had pressure from my parents to excel in math and science and because I was a track below honors. (went and lived in Korea for 2 years in middle school)   I had to double up math and science courses, I gave it up.  I do regret not having the opportunity to learn drama and music.  But I can't complain...  I made a decision and job wise I became a pharmacist with a great job.  Don't like the quality of the work.  No passion there but music and drama makes a great hobby.

My top picks are the christian boys from down south, "Committed" &; "Street Corner Symphony".

From the first episode, I loved "The Backbeats" but then I started not liking them.  They did blow me away with Landslide though but there's something I don't like about them.  Maybe there's too many of them.

They are all good and when they had to eliminate  one last time.  I seriously couldn't choose.  They all 4 teams  performed so well.   And then they all made it.

So excited for Monday!

Gift of Sacrifice 2009 XMAS

*began this post last year after my experience.  just completed it.

I got an email from my Women's group leader that we were going to do our pollyana differently this year.   It went like this:

"1.  You can NOT spend any money on it - meaning you can't go out and buy something but if you already have it...it's ok..........  something that's already yours.....NOooooooooooooooooo spending....haha

2.  You must give something with some special meaning to you - maybe even something that might be a sacrifice of some kind to give it...  

3.  On a card - you can write a note to the person who will receive your gift even though you won't know who will get it - telling them why this item means something special to you"

Honestly, I didn't think too much of it.  I figured I'd just look around my house and see if there was anything presentable to give on the day of.   2 days before our get together, I met up with a friend as I usually do every week.  (she's become such a dear friend) She nonchalantly asked me what I was going to give.  I answered that maybe I'd give my complete twilight book sagas.  She looked at me and asked me if they were that special to me.  I told her I enjoyed them so much but that I could see them go.  I then in turn asked her.  She answered, "a stuffed bear."  I assumed a child hood luvie that she is now willing to part with.  She ran upstairs to grab it and came down and showed me this bear.  The moment the stuffed bear was in my arms, it felt like I was holding a real newborn baby.  It weighed about 7 lbs.  She told me that a couple donates these stuffed bears to a hospital.  They lost a full-term baby in utero and they made this stuff bear to comfort parents that lost a baby in utero.  When holding this bear, it had a weight to it that made it feel like you're holding a newborn baby.  The way you cradle it and the way it came together just like a newborn baby in your arms.  I could see how this could comfort a mourning mother of their loss.  Holding it!  My friend lost a full-term baby in utero and the bear was given to her to comfort her.  As she was telling me this, I had to fight off tears and the urge to cry.  I cried out to her not to give it away.  She said that she's ready.  I can't imagine losing a baby and even think of giving up the one thing that must remind her of her baby...  So as I regretted quickly as quickly as I said it, "my Dvds"  Wait did I just say that.  My friend looked at me with a knowing smile.  "just pray about it." , she left me with that simple encouragement. 

I came home and I thought about it and as I thought about it , I grew very anxious.  My prize possession is my DVD collection.  If anyone knows me, they know how much I love my DVDS.  I love them so much that I have a hard time lending any movie.  I have over 150 dvds not including the various tv series.  Movies are my passion.  Not only do I love movies, movies are my comfort and my escape.  My movies are like old friends that accept you and make you feel good.  They are my everything...  ah!  I start to see what this exercise is suppose to do...  So I saw very clearly my two choices.. now that the spirit had revealed to me my idol.  1. please myself 2. please God.  Oh, how I wanted to please God, to say these DVDs mean nothing.  They are nothing and God is everything.  But my body would not believe the truth. I decided that I'd give my full 10 seasons of Friends.    For 24 hours, I had a spiritual battle going on in my heart.  One moment I said, yes I can give it away  but then another I said, no why do I have to give it away.  My body began to mourn...  So silly but it was so real.  I was Gollum and Smeagol from Lords of the Rings.  I kid you not.  I was so sad that I felt like I would be lost with out them.  That I doubted God's comfort and love for me that I needed a back up.  LIES.   

I knew that I had to do this.. I needed to sacrifice.  They were material things that meant nothing.  So I packed all my 10 seasons in an empty huggies diaper box.  Tears were streaming down my face.  It was so sad.  Then Hubby who hates seeing me so upset got angry.  He didn't understand why I was doing this. " If it's so hard , don't do it, " he says.  Then he'd give me the monetary value of my gift ,10 seasons of friends, would be  over $200.00.  But I did it.  While we waited for our gifts to be opened up, I felt such anxiety.  Tears were running down my face.  The girls felt such pity for me the one who had my name felt so bad taking my gift.  But  it was refreshing... In midst of such loss,  I did gain so much more.  I gained wisdom and insight to what Christ went through.  To sacrifice his life,not  to be served but to serve others better than himself.  What an amazing love He has for us and it is really hard to grasp in our human blindness.   I know, it's only a small glimpse in to the great magnitude of Christ but I saw and felt God's glory.

*began this post last year after my experience.  just completed it.

A year has past and there were times when I wasn't doing very well spiritually that I missed my Friends seasons for comfort.  I even asked Hubs if we could go out and buy the whole series which he replied quickly, "NO WAY".


This year, I thought I'd be free again and just give an item of less significance.  But of course, our wise women's group leader asked us to give a gift of sacrifice.  I prayed about it and I knew exactly what it would be.  Not another DVD.. but my coach wristlet.   I suffer from materialism. I try to deny the fact that my obsession with clothes and shoes.   And now with working from part time to full time and denying myself with all the things I once was able to afford in excess, leads me to shopping sprees and wanting more.  Not as bad as I once was and I do thank the spirit for leading me. But it is something that I can not give a blind eye to.   This is the one thing that can effect  my contentment.  So I've been discontent many times because I don't have the things I believe are important... luxurious car and house...  able to pamper myself.  All these things are not wrong but for me ... it can quickly turn to be my everything.  This heart check came an opportune time and letting go  my beautiful gold COACH wristlet was a tough choice.  But I gave it and a beautiful sister received it.  I'm glad for the joy it brought another sister.  And the wristlet is definitely something I can do with out.  I have more than enough.  I need to tear down these idols...



  

Stomach Bug

Last week, JD had high fevers , vomiting and diarrhea.  It was a tough few days and after 4 days, I've created a monster.  Every request that ended with a no left him in tears and so whiny.  My son whines so much more than my other girls.  I didn't think it was possible.  What went wrong?  While he was sick with high fever, he was limp and teary-eyed.  And your heart just went out to him.  We couldn't bear to deny him anything.  We just granted every wish even in normal circumstances we would have denied him.  A little bit of crying or wailing, we just gave in.  Normally, he'd whine a bit if we said no but it was easy to ignore.  But lately, his whining is at another level.  Nails on a chalkboard.  High and loud and gives you a huge headache.  Trying to overcome that...  And trying to win the power struggle.  That kid just knows how to reach that pitch that makes me throw my hands up and give in.  Gotta stop.  I'm creating a monster.

Now, my other 3 kids have got this stomach bug.  All complaining of headache and stomach pain.  Not very fun for me.. I know that I'll probably will get it too.  I hope not.  E and C are tough cookies they don't complain much.  But my little Diva, J, every little aches and pain she comes running.  She needs me to cuddle her.  If I gave her a little bell, she'd be ringing it non- stop.

I'm thankful they haven't been sick since late August.  It is tough dealing with sick children especially when they get sick together.  So I'm hoping that this will pass quickly.  I feel like I have to wipe everything down with anti viral and bacterial  cleaning solution and walk around with a mask.

CrazY Soccer Mom, GUILTY!

Another soccer season came and went and from the moment E stepped on the soccer field a love for the game blossomed with in her.  She was strong and had better control of the ball and she wanted to practice all the time.  At this level, girls are more competitive and actually play on a bigger  field with a bigger goal.  I was very surprised how exciting it was to watch especially when E's team had many talented players.

I know, I'm pretty competitive.  I always try my best in any competition and I'm known to be a bit passionate.  So I became one of those soccer mom's yelling down the side line shouting,"  Turn it around!, get that ball!, come on defense/offense, etc"  and I'm yelling at commands to E.  Unfortunately, Bill is just like me so him and I are yelling and cheering and really getting in to the game.  However , Bill  gets really frustrated because he has a full understanding of the game and these are still 7 and 8 years old girls.  So sometimes he's giving E help that is beyond her level.

E's team won all their games except tied one during the season.    So at the tournament, Bill and I were crazy because we knew they had the potential to win it all.   Every time E came out, we'd be huddled around her "coaching" her.  We were a bit intense.  When I reflect back, we were totally those crazy soccer parents.  Our pushing did make E  a better player though.  She persevered through our scrutiny and instruction but at the finals, she was showing signs of exhaustion.  They played 4 30 minute games  to get to the championships.  And when Bill blamed her for the other team scoring because she was at the wrong part of the field, she started crying.  She went back in and she was tough and made sure no one went by her.  It was a great learning experience for her and for us.  Bill and I can Never coach a soccer team.  We are too intense.

During the course of the season,  E showed much promise and I was thinking do I start investing in soccer for her.  Get her in to indoor soccer, camps, and clinics to prepare for her future in soccer.  I see parents missing Sunday worship  to travel all over the place when they are involved with travel soccer.  Intramural is good but to keep up with the competition out there doing travel soccer would benefit her so much.   I struggled a bit on this matter and I decided to let  travel soccer program go  for now until E shows a great desire for it.

How much I need wisdom...   Need to balance and never let go my focus... I need to be kingdom minded.  As a parent you want to provide so many opportunities for success for your children.  I know I spend a bit too much on their extracurricular activities but it's so hard not to when it'll help in their success in the future in the world.  But how much time do  I invest in their spiritual future?  hmmm... need to think upon that more...

Happy Halloween 2010

This year E decided to be a vampire, J decided to be a fairy princess, JD  a dragon, and Cara is a little bunny.  It was a jam packed day starting with breakfast at my SIL house.  My BIL's wife came down from Muncy because she's traveling to Germany to meet up with her husband.  After breakfast we went to Gracepoint church for Sunday service.  We had a hallelujah parade where the church encouraged us to come dress up.  It was a lot of fun.  We were able to bring 3 of the kids cousin with us.

As the kids paraded in the gym, there was a contest for best costume.  They picked out 3 genre's.  Most creative, Best in show, and something else I forgot.

E won best in show and she's in the car boasting about her win.   You can see J just looking at her and tears welled in her eyes and she says, "I'm so jealous!"  She was so sad that she didn't win.  My husband lied and said that she was very close to winning.  She seemed satisfied.

Then we went to our neighbors house for dinner and the kids went out trick or treating.  It was very cute.

Revolutionary Road

I saw this movie a couple days ago.
Movie description: Frank and April, a married couple in the 1950s, have always seen themselves as special, different, ready and willing to live their lives based on higher ideals. So, as soon as they move into their new house on Revolutionary Road, they proudly declare their independence from the suburban inertia that surrounds them and determine never to be trapped by the social confines of their era. Yet for all their charm, beauty and irreverence, the Wheelers find themselves becoming exactly what they didn't expect: a good man with a routine job whose nerve has gone missing; a less-than-happy homemaker starving for fulfillment and passion; an American family with lost dreams, like any other. Driven to change their fates, April hatches an audacious plan to start all over again, to leave the comforts of Connecticut behind for the great unknown of Paris. But when the plan is put in motion, each spouse is pushed to extremes--one to escape whatever the cost, the other to save all that they have, no matter the compromises. as per yahoo movies

This movie reminds me how poisonous 'discontentment' is.   I've battled with discontentment forever.  The attitude of entitlement and when things aren't the way you planned it or the way you want  your life to be and how it can lead to such discontentment.   Discontentment can just take a hold of your heart and you fall into darkness... blindness.  And how easier it is to fall into unproductive and dangerous habits.

And you believe this lie... it's greener on the other side...  and you fall into such regrets.  And in  marriage, how you can easily resent your partner for coming to a place of failure  where you thought you'd be at such a greater place or  be doing much more amazing things with your life than where you are.

Wishing for that  freedom that I'd have if I didn't have so many kids or if I didn't get married so young and if I  lived a single life for a bit.  the list is endless.  and on days where everything seems to go wrong and in the confusion of kids bickering, whining, and crying and not being  able to find certain things because your husband did not put it back where it belongs.  Working, cooking, cleaning, wiping, bathing, disciplining, teaching, driving, getting it on, inability to have a social life, inability to eat in peace, inability to just sit and relax by myself , inability to listen or watch what I want. You want to just fly away and be on a secluded island and just do what "you" want to do forever .

But by the grace of God, unlike April, the sinful part of my heart did not take over. It is scary to see Kate Winslets portrayal of April and how I can see myself in her.  The rage, the pain, the selfishness...  and to know that God has graciously given me sight to see  HOPE.  Hope of what is in store for me in a place of complete peace and joy.  Even in this side of heaven  where it is marked with sinfulness, there is hope.

A life of faith is such a precious gift and this movie reminded me what I have found in Jesus.  HOPE!

Life is where God places me and there is no mistakes...

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

I watched this movie couple weeks ago and it still haunts me.  It left me so extremely sad and I went to bed bawling because I was distraught.  I couldn't pinpoint why I was so upset by it.  I enjoyed watching Brad Pitt growing younger and at the end saw him looking like he did when he was in the movie 'Thelma and Louise'.  He must have been in his early twenties back then.  Amazing what movie magic can do.  He's like in his mid forties now.  AMAZING.

The movie was beautiful and each character was well acted by amazing actors.  From the movie, I think I'm  overwhelmed how short life is.  That nothing remains the same ... Our bodies are wasting away...  I found it so sad that benjamin left his love and his daughter so to ease their pain and burden but in the end seemed to be such a waste of his  life. I guess, it was a sacrifice.  But then it left his daughter and her mother (his love) estranged..

I don't know just left me feeling so sad and fearful.

How I don't want to waste my time while I'm here.  I keep searching for a higher calling but what more of a higher calling is there to raise God fearing children and to serve my husband faithfully...

That's My King.. Do U Know Him?

Dear X, You Don't Own Me by Disciple

Dear pain, oh, it's been a long time
Remember when you were holding me tight
I would stay awake with you all night
Dear shame, I was safe in your arms
You were there when it all fell apart
I would get so lost in your beautiful lies
I let you go
But you're still chasing

Go ahead
You're never gonna take me
You can bend
But you're never gonna break me
I was yours
I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Dear hate, I know you're not far
You would wait at the door of my heart
I was amazed at the passion in your cries
Dear anger, you made me so high
You were faithful to show up on time
Such a flame that was burning in your eyes
I let you go
But you're still chasing

Go ahead
You're never gonna take me
You can bend
But you're never gonna break me
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Go ahead
Put a target on my forehead
You can fire
But you've got no bullet
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

You tempted me to look back
But everything that we had together was a lie

Go ahead
You're never gonna take me
You can bend
But you're never gonna break me
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Go ahead
Put a target on my forehead
You can fire
But you've got no bullet
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Go ahead
Put a target on my forehead
You can fire
But you've got no bullet
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

While I'm Waiting

What do you do when God seems so silent?  Or you unknowingly put Him on mute because you don't agree with His will for you?  There is time when I feel like God is not enriching my soul or upset with  His will and I lose motivation to do what is good..  I don't feel like it and I lose my way...  But when God's word is written in our hearts, we know truth... "Weeping may remain for the night but the rejoicing comes in the morning"  Let us remain obedient .. wait on the Lord, patiently...  Because our God is Faithful...  

While I'm Waiting by John Waller  

  (this song is from the movie Fireproof- highly recommend this movie)

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

YES, LORD!

The other day I was watching "Yes, Man!" with Jim Carey and Zooey Deschanel.  I really liked this movie.  It was extremely cute and I love the story.  Jim Carey's  character 's life is in shambles because his wife left him and to protect himself from hurt , he just says no to everything and he isolates himself.  There is no joy in him at all.  

Of course I related this with my relationship with God.  How many times I have said no lord to a lot of His will because it inconveniences me or because I don't want to be vulnerable to people using me or even being hurt by others.  Serving others is hard concept because attached to it,  we sometimes can not help but expect something in return.  But to be like Christ, we come to serve and not to be served.  But when we say "Yes, Lord" to His will and submit... always something good comes from it.  Fruit of the Spirit...  It may not start out that way... like when JC character does his first Yes, man and he goes out of his way to help this homeless man and his car stalls out in the middle of nowhere.   He's a bit bitter but then he encounters an amazing girl that kisses him.  The good would not have happened if he didn't step out and said Yes even though it was out of the character's comfort zone.  I loved seeing the transition of the guy as he says Yes to every request and in the end he is surrounded by so many people and he found joy.  

I am learning to say Yes, Lord even though I just want to say no but every time I do say Yes to the Lord and surrender... I always find joy and peace.  

How do we know God's will?  prayer and in God's word.. praying for discipline and self-control ...

I love this quote: 

I think a lot of times we miss out on how God wants to use us.  —I miss out on how God wants to use me —because we'’re not connected in conversation with Him; we’re not watching for Him at work; we’re not listening; we’re not recognizing His hand at work around us or those in need around us. - kim wagner from revive our Hearts

TRUE THAT!

Romper Crazy

So, I go in clothing stores these days  and I see rompers left and right.  They are really cute.  Then I'm looking over one and then I was thinking... How does one go to the bathroom.  Do you have to slip the straps off the shoulder down the arms and pull them down to the knees and while I'm going to the bathroom, I'll be shirtless.  hmmm...  If your in public bathrooms, people can catch a glimpse of me with no shirt through the cracks of the bathroom stall.

Even in the children's section they have these rompers.  I'm thinking I'd get Emma one because they are really cute.  But then when Emma goest to the bathroom she'll be shirtless without a bra...  hmmm

I guess a good solution would be to wear a camisole or tank top underneath but would that look too frumpy.

I saw a friend wearing one and she looked really cute.  And it was so flattering...  I asked her about the bathroom and she laughed and said I wasn't the first to ask.  She says she just goes but when she's in the public stall she makes sure she hangs up her purse so that it can block the view.  hahaha.

I wonder if anyone has any funny stories about wearing rompers.  Someone mentioned they should put clasp (like the baby onesies)  at the crotch area.  So funny...

Gym Mishap

  Since joining the gym, I've been trying really hard to work out at least 3 to 4 times a week.  I usually do 1/2 hour on the elliptical and 15 minute running on the treadmill.  At times when the weather wasn't so hot, I'd run 1 & 1/2 mile outside.

One time after running outside with Hubby,  he turns to me and said that I may need a personal trainer.  I asked him why he thought that.  And then he says because at the rate I run, I probably burned only 10 calories.  He said I needed to push myself so that my heart rate is high and my body can actually burn something.  This makes sense to me because I know that i"m a lazy exerciser...   I don't like pushing myself.  You know when people say when you run your legs hurt but then it passes and it's cruise sailing.  Well, I can never overcome that burning in the legs and I always stop or jog at a pace that I'd run a 15 minute mile. (I remember telling this to someone and they were like, "YOU RUN A 15 MINUTE MILE, I THINK I CAN WALK A 15 MINTUE MILE!)  So, it's safe to say that I haven't lost much weight since the start of joining the gym, and I don't feel sore after my workouts..  So for the last couple of months, I tried really hard to push myself.  I try to maintain a heart rate of at leats 150 beats per minute.  And to maintain that I do have to work pretty hard.  I'm pushing myself and I'm sweating.

Then a yesterday, I couldn't find my arm pocket thing that holds my ipod on my arm so I can workout to some fast paced music.  So I thought I'd just set my Ipod on the little platform of the elliptical in front of me.  I guess the platform is there for people, if they wish, to place a book or magazine there so they can read while they run or do their thing on the elliptical/treadmill.  ( I have no idea how people do this especially people who can't multi-task)  Anyway, I'm working out crazy... sweating huffing and puffing and I go to wipe off some sweat.  I drop my hand really fast and it gets caught with my headphone cord which is attached to my ipod in front of me.  My IPOD goes flying, hits the arm of the guy who's working out next to me and hits the bottom of his ellipitical making a large clanging noise.  Meanwhile, I'm trying to stop my already in motion elliptical and almost hit myself with its arm.  I must of looked so awkward trying to stop and get off.  The guy just keeps on working out all eyes are on me.  I'm turning red pick up my ipod, see that it's wet from that guy's sweat and I'm thinking I should wipe it but he's looking at me.  I don't wipe it and I place it on my elliptical platform.   I try not to make any eye contact and I think should I just leave or should I continue my work out.  I quickly start  on my elliptical and hope that no one thinks I'm the biggest dork ever.  ah!  only to me... do these things happen.  and I get so  so so embarrassed.

How my baby has grown...

Raining Glass

After my church retreat a month ago, I was flying high.  It is always wonderful to go on these retreats because you are not distracted by this world and you choose God all the time.  Coming back to reality, I became lazy in meeting with God.   I stopped reading His word and stopped praying.  It wasn't intentional but I didn't choose God...  I started resting by watching t.v. shows.  Netflix is my poison...  Did you know you can watch a lot of great t.v. shows most seasons... slowly I started watching 30 rock, dexter, 24, spartacus, and now I'm on niptuck even started up watching reality shows the kardashians, real housewives (drama drama, superficial, superficial)...  many of these shows are not good shows to watch but I thought oh, that's ugly, they are broken, I know that I don't live like that.. But its so entertaining to watch.

The past 3 weeks...  like poison to my soul, I started to be discontent with my life.  I'm not pretty ... the love between me and my husband is not romantic enough.  Serving my family was just not making me happy.  I need something for myself...   Even serving at church, became such a chore.  I felt lonely...  I felt like I was running this race so fast with purpose. My eyes on the prize... I saw my goal  and I was focused in getting there.  But then my eyes began wandering and I realized the family I was supposed to be running with was no where in sight.  I started becoming bitter and resentful.  Then I started thinking thoughts like...  All that I've done... All that I've sacrificed so that they could grow ...  then I fell deeper in my place of escape.  Watching these fictional lives on a 14 inch computer screen or television.  My days I would just go through the motion ending with throwing my kids in to their bed so that I could have my "alone time".  I knew in my mind that my heart was becoming calloused and I was walking further into darkness.  Using my mouth to discourage and even be cynical.  I was pessimistic and complained about everything and everyone.  I was not patient or gracious at all.   My husband was on edge not knowing if I'd be ms. Bitch or ms. Gracious.  I knew that Hubby was on his way to Domincan Republic on a missions team.  And I knew I needed the strength of the Holy Spirity to endure the whole week alone with 4 children to tend.  But I wasn't willing to let go my sin and I refused to read His word and pray.

Unprepared that I was, I stayed up watching my shows in the freedom that my hubby wasn't there to stop me.  But I didn't go very long the 3 rd day without Bill through God's grace, after rebuke from my two wonderful sisters , who never fail to speak truth in love, and the Spirit, I had to choose to sin or go running to the arms of my Father.    I tried so hard to avoid them ... I didn't want to make a choice outwardly.  I just wanted to secretly choose to sin...  They knew I was going astray...  I gave in and met with them... At the time, I seriously felt like they were the problem and not me.   I felt like" I was okay, that there was no big deal the way that I am."  I even felt like" I'm like everyone else."  "Why are they S.O.Sing on me"...    a familiar path, I know so well...  God again revealed to me... the direction I'm going will only lead to destruction.  that  His way is the only way for me to live towards  everlasting joy.
Satan is so good... knowing that in my laziness and my emotions...  I missed my shackles and when I was in them, I knew they felt funny but yet, something so comforting familiar...

The very night I promised my sister that I'd fast media for a year and be consistent in my walk with God through reading His word and praying.  I was convicted but  as we prayed, the thoughts of not being able to finish watching the current season of the show I was currently into,  I started having this anxiety attack.  The moment she left, I ran to my t.v. and thought I'll just finish out the season tonight and I'll start my fast tomorrow.  I stayed up until 2 am in the morning watching.   I did feel guilty because I initially wanted to pray and repent that night but I chose to give in to my other desire instead.

After watching, I went to shower and I have glass shower doors that jam together sometimes.  So I went to unjamm them and all of sudden I hear this loud pop and like a rain  shower,  thousands of glass pieces  fell to the ground.  My large glass shower door exploded and shattered.  I was in inch deep of broken glass that completely covered in side and outside my shower.  Blood was dripping down my belly, and hands.  I was in complete shock.  Did this really happen to me?  But as I grazed my body, I only had few very small pieces of glass on my hands and belly.  I had no gashes or large cuts requiring an E.R.

But when I looked around me, I believed  it impossible, absolutely impossible for me to come out unscathed.  As I walked out, having to step on broken glass, (it hurt like heck) and   As I saw very sharp and thick pieces of glasses, I knew that God has covered me from a tragedy or a er visit.. stitches. All these worst case scenarios from this mess.   I was home all alone at 2 in the morning.  What a mess to clean up!  It was so overwhelming that I even contemplated leaving the mess for Bill to clean up.  I could see it... Hubby coming home from week trip to the Domincan Republic serving over 500 little children and telling him, "baby, you have a huge mess to clean up in the bathroom?"

I could have wallowed in self pity and blame Bill  for what had happened.  And my old self would probably blame this on him and make him pay.  But I knew God was showing me something...  I needed a visual reminder because just being reminded of truth by my sisters  was not enough for me to make that U-turn back to the arms of my God.  No, God had to visually show me... I can choose to continue to sin... i could choose not to have a relationship with God and not feed my soul richly with His word and not have any physical injury to me, myself, but there will always be a HUGE HUGE mess to clean up.  And if I don't clean it up and choose to go on sinning, moving around in my mess, not only will I destroy myself , I will destroy everything around me.  I repented that night and as tears flowed from my eyes, I prayed.

Yes, I'm sure many would say that I'm inferring a lot but I believe that this is what the spirit is revealing to me.  Because if the spirit didn't then, my heart wouldn't have turn towards God.  Only the spirit of God has that power and I am so grateful and humbled that God let me turn around... And  after a week of reading His word and praying... I feel like I've come home, again.  I am so hungry and I desire to have a relationship with God.  Truly, there is no better place than in my Father's arms.  NO PLACE.  And that God does satisfy.  Indulging in my wants or angry for not having what I want leads  to resentment, hardness, crassness, and hate.  It takes for me to go away for a bit to savor God but I hope to grow in maturity so that even tho I feel like God is not enough for me, I know in my heart that He is all I need.   And I won't go astray... I know that even tho my emotions lie and tell me that I don't need God today,  I'll be self-controlled to say,"  no, God will always be first!"  


I will feed myself His word and anything that encourages me towards growing in my relationship with God. God's word is the only thing that let's me see God and guards me from the world.  How can I call myself a Christian and not want to know Christ?  And the only way to know Christ is through God's word.  Nothing else!!!   And if my heart grows weary,  I will run towards sisters that will encourage me with truth.  I will not isolate myself because it makes it that much harder to come back out of blindness.  I don't want to be there.  
Psalm 1

1Blessed is the man

who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked

or stand in the way of sinners

or sit in the seat of mockers.

2But his delight is in the law of the LORD,

and on his law he meditates day and night.

3He is like a tree planted by streams of water,

which yields its fruit in season

and whose leaf does not wither.

Whatever he does prospers.

4Not so the wicked!

They are like chaff

that the wind blows away.

5Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,

nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.

6For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous,

but the way of the wicked will perish.

DEATH IS NOT DYING

YOU NEED TO SEE THIS!

http://deathisnotdying.com/eventvideo/

Ballet 2010

Jadyn's last year in the pre-performance (3-4 years old).  She did great.  No jellybean incident and Jonah was extremely good and Cara was too.  Emma was a bit hyper. It was out of character for her.  We invited my nanny and the kids were so excited to spend a whole day with her.

Emma has gotten so good.  In the beginning of the year,  I wasn't sure if Emma would continue because she was a bit rough and powerful.  She was not graceful at all.  The teacher discourages us from watching the class so I haven't seen her in 6 months and at the big show, she was wonderful.  SHe was extremely graceful.  I love the big show.  The kids especially the advance group were so good.  I hope emma will continue on...

30 Rock.

I have just discovered 30 Rock.  It's so brilliant and I absolutely love Tina Fey.  I watched all 3 seasons on Netflix over the past few months and it's hilarious.  LOVE IT!

The Prodigal by Sovereign Grace Muisc

God's Miracle

It's been a long time since I've updated my blog.

When I reflect this past year, I am amazed by God's wonderful grace.  A gift that I so do not deserve.  In the beginning of 2009, I truly was able to see God's gift to me.  I was able to surrender.  I place my focus off myself and onto God.  I knew the spirit was telling me to work on humility and servanthood.  The very things I being such a selfish person, was unable to do before. So I worked really hard... in studying GOd's word and in prayer.  I saw change... the thing I thought would make me so weak actually made me stronger and I became a blessing.  I know at times I'd grow tired and the visibility of my sacrifices seemed to reap no immediate benefits but I'd fall and dust myself up and get right back up.  I didn't see what GOd was doing ... What he was preparing me for...  so that I can be used for His glory and to prepare me for  what is ahead...

This past fall, my mom was diagnosed with cancer.  It was a recurrent cancer from 15 years ago that had reappeared.  Surgery was the only possible cure.  BUt this surgery would leave my mother disfigured and a new way of life that for anyone can be left crippling physically and emotionally.  My mother didn't want this at first and wanted to try chemotherapy.  SHe had 4 cycles before she returned to me.  SHe came over Christmas break.  She was so weak.  She lost her hair and she was in such pain.  I had to take care of her.   Let me tell you... only through God's grace and love for me that I could serve my mom in all humility.  I wondered why the spirit wanted me to focus on humility and servanthood.

To better explain, my mother was initially diagnosed with cancer when I was a junior in highschool.  Since my mother was so sick, I had to take care of her and my two brothers. I had the resources to do it but I chose to be bitter and selfish.  When I think back, I cringed at how sinful I was.  How selfish I was...  I was horrible to everyone and especially to my sick mother.  I can't bear to repeat some of the venomous things I said to my mother in my many tantrums. I see now how many opportunities I missed to be a blessing to others and the opportunities to really be able to shine God's grace and love.

God has redeemed me and He has given me another opportunity to be an ambassador of Christ. Even though it isn't my choice of  ministry, but I have embraced the will of God.  In this season, I will serve my mother.  What the spirit has led me to seek was to really equip me for what was ahead.   It's been hard and I know that my sinfulness fights and tries to feed me lies about how unfair my life has become.  But I know the truth and the truth will set me free.  Even in this dark time of suffering, I will rejoice because I know that this suffering will lead to perseverance and perseverance, hope in Jesus Christ.

God is faithful... Everyone around me sees this amazing change in me and only through Christ am I this new creation.  I am a joy, they constantly tell me.  As my mom says, "my daughter who I gave up on.. with her  horrible dirty temper... she is God's miracle!"