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This is an excerpt of the girls christmas show at school. Jadyn was so cute...
Sorry for my unsteady hand...

O Christmas Tree

Last Sunday, we met up with Bill's family to go to a tree farm. They grow christmas trees and you can go in to their forest and cut down your very own tree. So we told the girls to pick their tree. I didn't want to persuade them to get my kind of tree, we wanted them to get their tree.
This was Bill's family swarming the forest. As you get in deeper the trees get fuller and taller. This is the tree that Emma chose. Jadyn wasn't very interested.
Emma fell in love with this tree. She hugged it and everytime we asked her if she wanted a little bit bigger tree, she'd say NO. So we brought the saw out and chopped down the tree. It didn't take so long b/c the tree stump was so little.
When we brought the tree in, Hubs and I couldn't help but laugh hysterically. The tree is so tiny. It was so funny. But it was perfect for the girls to put the ornaments on the tree by themselves. They had a lot of fun with that. Jadyn just loved piling the ornaments on the same branch. She's so funny. Jonah just rolled around in his walker around us. I thought he'd want to touch the tree or touch the ornaments but he didn't find the tree very interesting.
It was fun. They can't wait until Santa comes...

I was trying to take a picture of my 3 little kids. Jadyn was not cooperating. I tried to bribe her with candy. Pose for a picture and she can have candy. She wanted the candy before she posed for the picture. That girl can be so stubborn. It's a power struggle. I tried to stand my ground but then she makes a pout and cries, "I'm so happy!, I'm so happy, I'm so happy!" I just have to give in. One spoiled child... one spoiled teenager... I can hear my mom telling me as I grew up.. "wait till you have a daughter just like you..." It echoes in my mind. I pray that none of my kids act the way I did growing up. I pray...

I went to our church's first women's retreat. I love the women in our church. I truly do. They are such an amazing group. We have something special here...

So this was Jadyn for Halloween. Beautiful sleeping beauty. I sent hubs to a halloween party. He had to dress the girls up in their outfits. I just got sent pictures of the event and this is what I saw. Sexy... right. My husband didn't put the dress on right. He left out the meshed long sleeves. I couldn't stop laughing. I ran up to him telling him of his error. Then he said I dressed them and I gave this look "what are you talking about"... then he gave a sheepish laugh and said, " oh, yeah I dressed her. "
SO funny.... YOu can see the flaps of the sleeves.

Yesterday, our girls' flag football team played in the football tournament . It was a long day and we made it to the championships. It was awesome. We lost to GCC from New Jersey but we were so happy to have made it that far. I'm so glad that I got the opportunity to play. It was rough at times but the experience was so great. I love the girls and I'm so proud of our team.

Halloween was fun. The girls were so excited and it was so cute to see them. Jonah slept there most of the trick or treating but he sure did look cute.

Emma was a flower girl last Saturday. She was a flower girl with her friend , Taylor. They’ve been friends since the day Emma was born. Taylor was born 6 months before Emma. As I watched them get their hair done, I couldn’t help getting emotional. Where did all that time go? It seemed like yesterday when Taylor’s mom and I couldn’t wait for them to just get old enough where they would interact with each other and play together. They were babies and now they look like young ladies.

Well, they were so adorable. We got there early and they practiced walking down the aisle and throwing pretend flowers. They were like pros. However when it came time for the actual walk down, they looked at all these strange faces and they held hands down the aisle. So they were unable to throw rose petals but they looked great. They were also so good through out the service. I thought they’d get antsy and they would start talking loudly to each other but they were so good. Especially when Stella and Jaeson were exchanging their vows, they were intently watching them.

When we got to the reception, Emma couldn't wait for the dancing to begin. She'd ask me every 10 minutes..."when do we start dancing?" Finally, it was time to dance and boy, did she dance! I did too. It was a lot of fun but I couldn't help thinking of Jadyn. She'd love it so much. Luckily we have a family wedding next summer and she'd dance it up then.

After we drove out of the parking lot of the reception place, I turned around and I saw Emma. She was so exhausted.

Congratulations Stella and Jaeson!!!

I'm feeling much better. Thanks for all the words of encouragement and prayers.

I went to my yearly check up at my OB/Gyn. My doctor asked me if my husband went for that vasectomy and I said that he hasn't and that I'm interested in oral contraceptives. She asked me if I already had one in mind and I answered, " my husband wants me to try YAZ." You know the one with the commercial with the upbeat music " we are not going to take it.. no we are not going take it any moooooooooooore..." and you see women kicking irritablity, moodiness, etc. Hubs said that it suppose to help with PMS. "babe, you need this." So, I went home with a prescription for YAZ. I hope that I won't get fat ( last time I was on oral contraceptive I blew up and gained 15 pounds).

I got my weight checked and I gained 10 lbs. I was so upset. So I was debating to do Jenny Craig but when I looked into it ... I just don't want to be bothered by talking to consultants on a weekly basis. So I 'm truly cutting out sweets and really going to try portion control. And of course, really be compliant on an exercising regimen. Why am I obsessed all of sudden? Well, I told myself that I'd treat myself to a new dress for a wedding and I set forth a goal weight and now the wedding is the day after tomorrow. I am no where near my goal weight. I wasn't really trying but I was hoping going to football practices and running here and there , I'd lose all the weight. Instead, I gained weight. Muscle mass maybe. NO, I really look big. It didn't really help going out and trying on dresses with my friend who is like a size zero. Here she's trying on so many cute dresses and everyone of them looked great on her and here I am struggling to get into dresses and coming up looking like a big balloon. (think of the girl in the willy wonka chocolate factory, violet, who blows up in to a big blueberry... ME) So I treated myself to a new pair of shoes... thank goodness, feet do not get fat and new shoes always look good on my feet.

So, I am going to really get serious. I even took a fully body picture which will be my before picture. So wish me well and whenever you see me please let me know that I'm looking good. hahahhaha Just kidding.

There's this dark cloud hovering over my heart. I believe that this darkness was plaguing my heart for a long time... it began in college and with every year, with every wound it got darker and darker and I became so bitter and angry. Why is this happening to me? Last year summer, I escaped it and I've found a way to keep this darkness at bay but I find it creeping back and it's really hard to fight off. I'm exhausted spiritually and physically. The one comment that hubs said to me was " don't let satan break us up." I found it so annoying but is this the work of satan? I'm just so depressed... so depressed. I'm sure it's hormonal or I"m hoping it's hormonal.

Life is so hard. Is there really a perfect life? Is life perfect when there are no trials and no hurdles to overcome. Is life not to be challenging? I've heard that living life with purpose is the perfect life. Do I have purpose? I claim to be a christian but I don't see myself living for God. My life no ways emulates the life of Christ. I know in my mind what I need and what the solution is but I'm just so resistant. Why do I do this ? How do I break the chain? How do I stop thinking if only I had this... if only I had chose that... if only I was wiser... if only I was from this... if only....

I really wish that I was a great writer. I wish that I could write eloquently stories of my life in short period of time. So much happens and I tell myself I need to jot down memories so I won't forget. I think if I was a great writer, I could write a lot of them down quickly without thinking... it'll come naturally so that I don't have to look at a blank screen and think how I could put into words the feelings ... the stories... life...

Well, over the summer, we took our girls to chuck ee cheese a lot. They love it there. Jadyn is afraid of the moving band of mice on the stage. She'd point to it and look down as if looking at them would bring her harm, and she'd say "scary ... scary" well, one time we went and hubs and I were going around trying out the games. We did the basket ball thing... we did the skeeball thing and then came the soccer thing. It's this caged box where the bottom is open where the ball rolls down and you kick the soccer ball to hit it into this goal. Hubs was wearing mules type sandals. (slides) well, he kicked the ball really hard and I see the ball flying along with his shoe. I then see him turn behind him looking for his shoe. I don't know why he thought the shoe was behind him. I start laughing because his shoe is in the middle of this cage and there is no way we can get to it. So hubs is hopping around trying to figure out how he can get his shoe back. He was so embarassed. I'm thinking we have to get the manager to open up the cage to retreive his shoe. I was rolling on the floor. Hubs was trying really hard but there was no way we can reach his shoe. SO we had to find the manager and ask him to open up the cage. It was so funny.

Emma scored a goal today. We had her play soccer this fall and I was disappointed that she wasn't very competitive. However, today she was aggressive and she got to score a goal. I missed it because I was at football practice. I was so proud. She's becoming such a tomboy. She still loves girly things but she can't stand wearing dresses. She'll cry when I bring out a dress for her to wear. If she wears a dress for church, the second she comes home she runs upstairs to her room and changes into a shirt and shorts. She's so funny. Jadyn however is my little diva. She loves dressing up.

Time flies. I can't believe fall is here already and JD is 5 months and becoming so interactive. He loves to smile at people and he really is a good baby. He only gets fussy when he's hungry or extremely tired. I was cooking dinner and the girls were playing in their playroom and I had JD laying on the ground watching them. He starts to cry after 1/2 hour and I'm trying to rush so that I can go down and get him. I hear Emma starting to call me. "mommy, Jonah is crying... mommy, Jonah is crying..." Then I hear the pitter patter of her feet coming up the steps and into the kitchen. I turn to look at her and low and behold she is holding Jonah. I wanted to scream "BECAREFUL" but I was afraid I'd scare her and she'd drop Jonah. I ran to her and I told her that she can't hold him like that. Then she goes," mommy, he was crying>" I know I'll get him. "mommy, I'm a big girl." "okay, but ask me before you go and pick him up." My little Emma is all grown up. She loves being maternal to Jonah. It's so cute to watch. Jonah really lights up when he sees her. He only laughs at Emma. Emma would be telling me a story and I"m holding Jonah and he'd laugh at her. It so funny. It's funny that he reacts differently to Jadyn. He's not as happy to see her and he rarely laughs at her. I am curious to see how they'll all interact with each other when they get older.

Breastfeeding I've decided to give up breastfeeding. I don't know why I feel so guilty. I've been having excruciating pain in my nipples and breast and I tried to persevere but I just can't do it. The pain is so immense that I cry everytime the baby latches on. I was able to do it for 4 months and I know that is a great gift in itself. I know it's okay but I don't understand this pang of guilt I feel. Where does that come from? I look at him and I know that it's a bit of a transition for him but he's totally fine. I look at him feeling sorry but he'll just look back at me and smile. He melts my heart. The night time feedings are a pain. But luckily it's only 2 times and sometimes just 1 time. It'll be over soon. I know. Jonah's been sleeping in our bed and I planned to start sleep training him once I got to work from home but I've been putting it off. I'm going to have to start doing that. I want him to be able to put himself to sleep but he has this habit of grabbing his face and hair when he's upset and cries. He ends up scratching himself all over. People see him and they think he has these jums but it's just scabs. Sometimes it can get scary because he grabs so hard sometimes and he'll scrap off chunks of his own skin. Isn't that so odd? People ask me if we are done having kids? My answer soon after I gave birth was no way, I'm not going through this again. But now I see my three kids together and it's so sweet and I understand why some couples have a lot of kids. I think the beginning is hard but it gets easier as they become more independent and they start taking care of each other. It's so amazing to watch. Oh, we were at our favorite soondubu place and the waitress comes over and looks at Jonah. Then she asks Emma if she can take him, Emma gets upset and shouts no. She got really upset. Then she asks Jadyn if she can take jonah and jadyn goes ,"okay". She's so funny. Anyway, Hubs and I have been discussing about birth control. We've decided between IUD or male vasectomy. We were leaning towards the vasectomy but that just seems so final. I know male vasectomies can be reversable but the complexities of getting it would keep us from getting it. so really we need to make sure that we don't want any more kids. How do we make this decision? I am content with the family of 5 and I think hubs and I are ready for the next stage which is to raise our children and then when they are completely independent from us, we'll still be young enough to have our time. Go travel... dates.... We'll see.

Emma's First Day of School

Emma started school on Monday. She was so excited.

Jadyn started getting upset because I was taking pictures of Emma and she demanded that I take a picture of her.

She so wanted to go with Emma to school on Monday but she's only signed up for the Tuesday and Thursday class.

Usually, Jadyn puts up a little resistance to bedtime each night but last night was different. We told her that she had to have a good nights rest for school tomorrow. She said all excited, "ME TOO... i GO TO SCHOOL?!" She was so excited. Everytime I said let's go to bed because we have school tommorow. Jadyn would run to me and aske, "me too?" "me Too?" and i'd say you too. then she'll squeal and run to her bedroom.

Here they are on emma's 2nd day and Jadyn's very first day of nursery school. Jadyn was so good. When we got to her classroom, she ran in without a kiss and hug good bye. I was a bit sad. How time flies.

On monday, I was organizing the whole house and I realized that Jadyn was out of my sight for a long moment. hmmm. that's never good. I call for her. no answer. I call for her again. no answer. I let it go and then I later see her emerging from her bedroom looking like this.

She went band-aid crazy. So funny. She loves accessorizing with band-aids.

I've been so lazy at updating. Don't think that I don't care to update it's just that I'm so lazy. I want to be able to chronicle so that one day my kids can see how things were but I just need to get off my lazy butt. hahahah I've been working home for a full week and I was bit worried in the beginning because my numbers didn't look good. I need to meet 65 scripts and hour and in house I was going way beyond that but at home I was barely doing 50. I was feeling way to relaxed at home. So yesterday I really worked hard and my numbers looked good. Work is work no matter if it's at home or away. Emma will be starting pre-k and little Jadyn will start nursery school two days a week. Jadyn has been ready. Last spring, she'd cry when Emma went to school and she was left behind. Jadyn is very good in new surroundings. She was very good at our church vacation bible school even when the teachers spoke korean to her. Then this past labor day weekend we went to nYC to visit my brother and my aunt. We went to my aunt's church and we took the girls to their sunday school. There was a primary group and a toddler group. My aunt wanted to put my girls and her daughter who is 7 together in the toddler group. The teachers were like take the 2 older ones to the primary and that if jadyn was going to cry to stay with her. Jadyn brought with her a tiny bunny stuffed animal and she was just holding on to it looking around at the other little 2 to 3 years olds. I sat her down on a little chair and I said to have fun and left. She didn't cry or call for me. I came back an 1hour later and all the teachers were amazed at how well jadyn did. She had a blast. She is so brave and so independent. So different from her sister at that age. It seems like the time is going by faster. I can't believe at how my life has changed. I'm going to try and film and take more pictures of my kids and life. I have memories but if I don't document them it'll be lost. And it'll be just a big blurr.

Every year the college and young adult girls from grace point get together to play football in an annual powder puff football tournament against other churches in the area. I wanted to play last year but found out I was pregnant. Training started today and I thought it would be a good idea to train with them since I've been wanting to work out. I was even excited to play some football. I was a little hesitant because I am much older than some of the girls. But I think that I'm not THAT old and that I can hold my own. I approach the field and I see the 2 college male "coaches" and I was a bit embarassed. I was wishing that I've been running and that I was in shape. I was hoping that my 6 months of personal training last year will help me. I was comforted to see the two college girls that I know and I approached them and in an upbeat voice," are you ready for some football?" the one male coach asked "you training with us" "um yeah and maybe play to see how I do.." then he goes "well try outs will be in two weeks." oh wow. They're intense... I didn't know there would be try outs. Thats a bit harsh. At least let the girls be a part of the team and just bench them. I wouldn't mind sitting on the bench... the rejection of not making a church football team is a bit embarassing.

I never realized that you need to be in top shape to play football. I do feel motivated to work out regularly and thats what I really want out of this experience even if I dont' make the team. I love the young women at our church and it was fun to run and do some football drills with them. I had to split early because Jonah started to cry and it looked like I was going to miss the suicide running. Thank goodness. But I'll definitely try to put in some running time this week.

Hubs and my three children watched me play and it was so cute. Emma and Jadyn try to run with us but Emma quickly gave up and ran towards hubs. But jadyn stopped and cried b/c she couldn't keep up with us. So cute. Then Emma and Jadyn watched us run around the field and I hear them yelling "go mommy go... go mommy go..." Then when we were doing the football drills, they'd cheer for me to catch the football. Emma would come over and she'll encourage me. "do good mommy" and she'll stick out her fist and we'd tap fists. I have fans.

I can't wait till we can play some practice games. I can feel that I'll be very sore tomorrow. I hope to lose some weight and get fit.

I remember last week I was saying that I'd be a really good linesman and that I can't wait to play and went on and on in excitement about being a linesman. Then my youngest brother goes, "umm noona, being a linesman is nothing to brag about... they're the slowest and fattest of the players." hahah I knew I'd get some encouragement from my brother.(sarcasm)

Congratulations Amos & Christine!

I can't seem to fall a sleep. I lay awake and all these random thoughts run through my mind. It's been a great summer so far. I feel like I've been busy with social events and being involved with my church. I've also been exhausted from going in to work for 24 hours a week. I know that it's only 24 hours a week but it just seems to take a lot of my energy. I'm really enjoying it and I get to work from home starting Wednesday. Yipee. Now, I can shorten the hours of work per day. The last 2 days I worked 4 hour shifts and it was so nice to be done so early. Working 8 hours is long. I feel like weeks have gone by when I work 8 1/2 hours . Sometimes when I come out of work and go to the enormous parking lot, i forget where I parked. I feel stupid going in one direction and then pause and then go to the opposite direction. One time I see a nissan altima and try to unlock it and it didn't work and then actually put in the key to the car door and panic that it wouldn't turn. I look into the car and soon realize that it's not my car. I quickly look around me and am relieved that no one else was in the parking lot. Jonah turned 100 days yesterday and we will celebrate it today. He is such a pleasant baby as long as he is fed and no gas. He'll intently look at me and talk and smile. He has the most amazing smile. His face just lights up. I am really enjoying him.

A day at the Beach

We went to Ocean City for the day. We woke up in the morning and the humidity was low and it was sunny. So we decided to drive down. Emma has been dying to go done the shore and we finally went down. Emma and Jadyn both loved the beach. Jadyn couldn't get enough of the water. She had absolutely no fear of the waves. She'd lay on her belly and hold herself up with her arms facing the waves. We had to intervene many times or else the waves would have smacked her in the face. Their 9 year old cousin, Brae, would watch them so me and hubs could just sit and rest. It was a beautiful day.

Work is going okay, now. The first week I was so excited because I got to be out of the house and it was like a mini-reunion with people from school and work. The second week I started missing my family and I couldn't wait to go back home.

I feel like my milk supply is waning and I am really trying hard to up keep it by pumping at work. A friend of mine is also pumping at work and she had 3 unfortunate incidents. Yesterday, she came to me all flushed and mad. She told me she was pumping in the copier room when someone jiggles the knob and then sticks a key in and opens the door. She screamed and the person went running. She now tells me that she'll be working more shorter days so that she doesn't have to pump at work. As for me, I really don't have a choice. She pumps twice on an eight hour workday where as me, I have to pump at least 3 times. Thank goodness, I haven't experience anything like that but it is nerve racking. You'd think that the person would have knocked first.

I'm surprised at a job where the majority of the personel are women that they wouldn't have a mothering room, a room set aside for lactating mothers. I was talking to a newly mother who came back to work recently and she told me that she stopped breastfeeding because she was too embarrassed to ask her bosses about a place to pump. I remember asking one of the supervisor for a place to pump and she gave me this pity look. I am shocked. I can't wait to come home and it looks like that I'll be there for at least another month.

I am on a brink of giving up and stop breastfeeding. It's just so hard and I can tell my milk supply is so low. JD was so frustrated last night that I just ended up making him a bottle of formula. He gulped 3 oz and went straight to sleep. :( I'm going to try and nurse JD all day today and drink a lot of water. Hopefully, it'll get better.

Timbaland's "The Way I Are"

He's a genius. The beats... the hooks... he's got talent.

J.D. was baptized today. It went really well eventhough J was a bit restless. When we were up in front of the sanctuary and J saw all the people looking at her, her showmanship appeared. She was twirling and singing for the crowd. Such a diva.

Hubs family came to witness and it was very nice to have them with us.

I am so thankful to God for such a blessing and I lift my son up to him. I will raise him in the faith and pray that one day he will proclaim his faith.

We invited my two brothers and hubs family for an early dinner following our church service. It was very nice to spend some time with hub's family since we don't get a chance to see much of them in the summer. Most of them are down the shore for the summer. It was a good day.

Back to Work



On Monday, I started my new job. Let me just say... I can't believe that I never applied earlier even when I was working full-time. The environment is so different than a retail setting. It's so laid back and there are no yelling patients in your face and there are no technicians to train and there are no relying on anyone else to get your task completed. I even have a nice cafateria that sells pretty good food. They even have a starbucks. I get a mandatory 30 minute lunch. Before in retail, I worked right through lunch because I couldn't afford being backed up in scripts.

It's been so great.



The training is exhausting though and I thought 24 hours a week would be good but just having to go there to train for the next 2 months will be a bit trying. JD still wakes up 3 times a night to feed and I don't want hubs to feed a bottle because I'd still like to nurse a bit longer so I'm going in for an 8 hour day a zombie. I'm good pretty much the beginning of the morning but towards late afternoon, I'm just so tired. I have to keep telling myself only 2 months and then I'll be home.

They don't have a set lactation room so I'm pumping breastmilk in their copier machine room. It's not a high traffic area but one friend who is lactating that she had an awkward encounter with someone who kept knocking after my friend said she'll be done in a minute but that person kept on knocking. She was so annoyed. She told the supervisor and I guess that it was resolved because I've been pumping in there and no one interrupted me. It is a pain and I'm hoping that my milk supply will not suffer. Yesterday, I skipped a pumping session so I had to pump longer at lunch and it only left me 10 minutes for lunch. It takes literally 5 minutes to get to the cafeteria. So I was engulfing my food but I notice that because I'm part-time they were so lax. I came back 10 minutes late and no one said anything. hmmmmmm Very nice.

The one thing I'm realizing is that I can no longer be laid back with my schedule at home. I got to buckle down and even if I feel so tired I got to get what I need to do done. So on my days off, it seems I have a list of to do list that I can not afford to procastinate. It'll be a big change but it'll be a good habit change for me.

Overall, it's been good. Hubs has been amazing. I thought he'd beg me to quit when I got home from my first day. He was in a good mood and the kids had no injuries. He did keep telling me if that I didn't like it, I could quit. I told him that it was great. The job itself is a bit montaneous but I'll take that over crazy anyday.

here's the new Bionic Woman

My 2 year old thought it would be fun taking her mother's panty liners and sticking them here. She cracks me up.

Shoes

We went to the mall, today. We thought it would be fun to take our three children and shop. I wanted to celebrate my new job by purchasing some new clothes. The last time I worked was over 4 years ago and I was at my pre-pregnancy weight. Since I've tried to lose the baby weight and failed , I had given away pretty much all of my professional clothing and I am in need of new clothes. SO off to the mall we went. I did some good shopping. It seems like fall clothes are coming in and the summer clothes are on sale.

After an hour, it got a bit tough. My girls became a little wild. I was looking at shoes and J decided to throw her shoes off and run all over the shoe section trying on flats, wedged shoes, and stilettos. She had a bit of a hard time walking around in stilettos. I noticed she loved shoes. I had to run after her trying to put back the shoes she'd try on and leave for another pair.

I wanted to have some family time outside of the home but I think next time, I'll shop on my own. I definitely won't be shopping with three kids on my own. But I did imagine how fun it would be to shop with my 2 girls when they are old enough. That will be fun for sure.

I got the job. :)

Job Interview

I had a job interview today. I've always contemplated going back to work and I wasn't planning to go back this soon but a stay at home position opened up and they are hard to come be. So I called and got an interview.

One of hubs co-workers got hired 10 days ago for the same position and she got hired on the spot. So I half expected them to hire me on the spot but they didn't. So I was a bit bummed about that. He told me that there only a few spots left and he has a few more interviews and they'll let me know next week. Inside I thought... he doesn't like me, he really doesn't like me. I wanted to cry. I think not working for the last 2 years may have hurt me.

If I really don't get the job, it will be what God intended. But... the feeling of rejection is the worst. I take it so personally. It's funny. I wanted to go into acting and in that business you have to have a thick skin because rejection is inevitable. Good thing I didn't pursue that career path. I'm still hoping to get the job and if I do, my family is going to be going through a lot of changes. I hope it won't be too hard for the girls. It's part time so hopefully it won't be too hard juggling work and family.

Funny Story

On Friday Night, we were at my nephew's 21st birthday bash at my brother in laws. It was a great night of eating and hanging out with family. At around 9pm, we were ready to call it a night and with the help of my 19 year old nephew and his girlfriend, we got our 3 kids together and proceeded to our new minivan. Kyle, our nephew, was happy to check out our new car. Hubs opened up all the doors and the trunk. Kyle goes to the rear to check out our trunk space and he goes, "What's this plastic thing?" I thought he was asking about the cool grocery bag holders but when I went back to see what he was pointing at. I said, what? And he goes in a bit of disgust, " THAT?!" He was pointing to this

I then looked at his facial reaction and I burst out in laughter. I go," It's NOT what you think!!" But I was laughing so hard I couldn't even explain properly. You see, it's an empty joo joo ba. It's a korean icee pop and my girls have been addicted to it. They'll eat it and throw the wrappers on the floor. I don't even know if Kyle believed us being Caucasian and never ever had the opportunity to see what a joo joo ba is. Then my brother in law chimes in and says," Hey, they just had their 3rd they need to make sure they don't have a fourth." NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I say.

For those innocent ones, my nephew thought this was a condom. so funny.

I asked E to make J pose a picture with her. J would not listen to me. I asked her over and over to pose with E but she just wouldn't stand still.

And then poor E gets slapped in the face by her younger sister. I've never heard of a younger sibling beating up their older sibling. I remember beating up my younger brother when we were kids. Yeah, I made him cry.

We traded our Toyota Highlander for this sporty new car. A Chrysler Town and Country MINIVAN. I never thought I'd get one. I thought I'd be the cool mom sporting a cool SUV. Cramming 2 carseats and a booster was really tough. Also lifting that infant car seat over either booster or car seat was very tough on the back. Let me say that having a minivan is awesome. I never thought having dual power doors and power trunk (power gate) would be such a luxury. We don't have a DVD system in the new car and I thought our kids would have a fit about it but they transitioned very well. We'll see about long car rides.

I have to say that driving around this hot red minivan, I'm feeling quite the cool mom. I'm officially a mommy of three little ones. :)

J, the little ballerina!

Happy Father's Day?

We took JD to church for the first time today. During the service, I went over to the children's service to help watch the kids and left Jd with hubs. After 45 minutes, DK came in saying that hubs needed me. I thought JD must be getting fussy for a feeding. The second I went outside to cross the street to the church I hear hubs shouting out my name. As I got closer, I see Hubs holding JD via baby bjorn and this bright mustard blob oozing down the front of his pant leg. I just start laughing. He yells, "He sh@# on me!!" I say, "don't curse in front of the church." JD took a major poop and it oozed out of his pants and on to poor hubs. We took an emergency run home where they both got changed. It was quite a sight.

Due to lack of sleep, I'm quite crabby these days. I just feel so blah and I take it out on dear hubs. I don't mean to be such a wench but I just am sometimes. Today, Hubs would lean over to give me a kiss and I'd turn my head away being such a brat. Then he'd get this sad look b/c I totally dissed him and I'll feel bad and then I go," oh, yeah it's father's day!" and pucker up but then he's already rejected and he's like, 'no I don't want a kiss b/c it's father's day>" I know, I'm such a brat. But i didn't do it only once , I kept doing that and then remember it's fathers day. I need to try to be pleasant even though I don't feel like it.

Then hubs banged his head b/c he wanted to run a bath for the girls and the water came out from the showerhead surprising him and he banged his head on the side bar of the bath tub. OUCH!! Then I hear him saying to himself," Yeah, happy father's day to me" Poor guy.

I keep forgetting what not to do... Tell your 4 year old toddler of upcoming events in advance. Due to E's inability to understand "next week", "next month", she gets overly excited and anticipates the event will happen that day. Once I made the mistake of telling her about a birthday party when we received the invitation a month in advance. "E you'll be going to Molly's birthday. Isn't that exciting?" Yes she answered and every hour she pestered me about when we were going to Mollys. Not till next month but with each day, she gets more upset. "E, let's go visit so in so..." " NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have to go to Molly's" I told myself not to tell her of events until the day of. However I use the events to bribe E to behave. " You better be good or no (upcoming event)." Then she'll try to behave herself while pestering me and hubs about when are we going. (It's not for another few weeks)

So in 3 weeks E will be going to our neighboring park summer camp. We just registered for it and again we made the mistake of telling E. Every day since registering on Monday, E has been dressing herself and running downstairs yelling, " I have summer camp today" and we have to disappoint her by telling her it's not today. She'll be cranky and whiny for a couple hours but does the same thing the next day. UGH!! why don't I ever learn?!

JD will be 1 month this Friday. It seems like he's been here for awhile longer. This first week without my mother has been hard. Hubs couldn't get off as much as he planned so being home with all 3 kids have been a bit trying. I'm hanging in there knowing that it'll get better. It seems like I started off really well. JD seemed to sleep well at night getting up every 3 hours for a meal and returning back to sleep but starting 2 nights ago, he's been very fussy from 10 pm to 3 am. Breastfeeding seemed to go well in the beginning but now I feel like one breast isn't producing a lot of milk. He prefers the other breast and cries out with the lacking one. Now, one breast is becoming sore so I'm hoping it's not a beginning of an infection. I know, I just need to overcome this hump but man, it is hard. I envy those women who pick up on breastfeeding quickly and have absolutely no problems. I couldn't do it with E but with J, I was able to do it for 15 months. Hopefully, I can do it for at least 6 months with JD.

J really likes the baby, now. Everytime she sees him or hears him, she'll go, " ba beeeeee, Joe---- naaaaaaaaaah!) So cute!! Oh, and she still in her stripping stage. She loves taking off her clothes. I'm just so glad it's only at home.

I wish I could be that woman that can run on low sleep. I need my sleep... I love my sleep....

GOODBYE MY BROTHERS!!

A couple of nights ago when I was doing my nightly prayers with my daughters, I prayed that God will be with my youngest brother as he travels with my mother to Korea for the summer. E got all teary eyed and asked why her halmoni and her youngest uncle was leaving. I told her that halmoni lives in Korea and that youngest uncle will be back to go to college. Then I prayed for doc bro that he'll be moving out to go to NYC. Then E breaks out in to tears and said,"I don't want Uncle doc to go... he's our family.. ah!!!!!!!!!!" I realized that ever since E was born her uncles were living with her except for 1 year when we kicked them out. But they've been there in her home living among us. It will be a bit of a transition for her and for all of us. Well, she was sitting there with her hands to her face crying. I comforted her and told her that Doc bro has to move on and become an important doctor. She continued to cry and then I said," E, Uncle doc needs to go to NYC to make a lot of money and everytime he comes down to see you, he'll buy you nice gifts." Then she looked up at me and said, "OK! good night mommy" and laid down like nothing upsetted her. She's so funny.

Eventhough there were some trying times living with my brothers especially the teenage one, we've shared so many good times. It's a new chapter in my life and for my brothers. The sacrifices we've made for my youngest brother so that he could have a better education. I wish I could say it was all worth it but hopefully one day my youngest brother will finally grow up and realize what was done. Living with a teenager was trying but I know I've learned a lot about myself and how I want to raise my children. I'm so grateful to my hubs for enduring his brother in- laws. If it wasn't for this time, hubs and doc bro wouldn't have grown so close. And I'm thankful for the bond that they share.

My youngest brother graduated high school today.

Happy Birthday, E!!!

My little E turned 4 yesterday. I can't believe in those 4 years, she has become such the little girl. I still remember bringing her home and being so excited b/c she was our first child. She is so sweet and her personalitiy is so fitting for the oldest child. She is nurturing and loving. She is already such the helper. I love her so much!!

BABY BOY!!

J.D. born on May 18th 2007 at 12:47pm.

He weighed 7 LBS 14 OZ 21 INCHES LONG

What a surprise! I was totally expecting another girl. We are doing well. E was totally excited but poor J is taking it pretty hard. For the first 2 days after JD was born, she acted like she was so mad at me. She's starting to warm up to me and the baby.

Recovery is going really well. I can tell that all my sisters at Grace Pointe is praying for me. I'm still taking it easy but I'm just amazed at how quickly I'm feeling like myself. Nursing is going really well... third time around so much better or maybe my heart is in the right place this time. Well, it's been such a blessing.

INDUCTION

My MD office just called. I'm on the induction schedule for Friday. YAY!!! It falls on the day of bro doc's graduation but I wasn't planning on going. I'll just have a baby instead. ha ha ha I'm so excited.

FASTING

I will be making a very important life changing decision in about 2 weeks. I am giving up... tv watching. Many of you may think that this is very easy and that many of you don't care to watch too much tv. However for me, it's a very hard thing especially since I watch so many shows. I really wish that I could get paid to watch these shows and have it some what productive but it has come to my attention that it is something I need to do in order for me to grow.

As my shows will come to an end soon, I am looking forward to this new change of focus. I will be a mother of three now, I will now have even more time with God and I'll have more time to focus on more important things. However a part of me feels that I could just limit the shows I watch because I love the art of theatre. I love how a collaboration of producing, writing and acting can create such emotions or thoughts in a person. So I even though I've contemplated fasting movies too , I feel I can not do that just yet.

I just recently saw a preview of a remake of 'the bionic woman' that will be airing soon. I loved watching the original staring Linsday Wagner. I remember running around in my childhood making the "wang wang wang..." noise and pushing things in slow motion and pretending that it was flying so far away. I know... DORK! I had this sad look on my face and hubs was walking by and asked me what's wrong. I said, "they made a remake of the bionic woman on NBC!" He had this look like SO. I know so stupid of me.

I'm also going to give up secular music as well. This too will be very hard for me . But I'm looking forward to the challenge. I do have this fear of not being hip. Me and my youngest brother (12 years younger than I) would be able to talk about music. We'll see...

Please pray for me that I'd be able to take this time to really grow closer to God and refocus my life. That I may become a Godly woman that is living for Him and Him alone.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!

STILL WAITING!!

So I'm over 39 weeks and I am dying to have this baby come into this world. I'm trying to be very patient. I went in for my weekly appointment yesterday and I was hoping that while the MD checked me 1) my water would break 2) I'm close to 10 cm dilated and ready to go. I was so disappointed that neither happened. I then asked her if I could schedule an induction on my due date. She had this look like "you're kidding me!!" SHe said I'd be on a wait list b/c I'm not an urgent case. (She must have never been pregnant before!) And then she added I'm sure you'll go before Wednesday.

Well, I feel like my body likes teasing me. I get these painful contractions but they just end up dying down. They are just taunting me of the pain I'll be facing.

Then I read that babies tend to stay in when the mother is feeling stressed. I don't know how true that is but I've been really tense for the last couple of weeks. So maybe I should go for a mani and pedi and try to relax myself.

Well, maybe I'll have a baby on Mother's day. I would have liked to have been home with all my three children on MD but I really don't have any control. God is really teaching me that He is in control and I really need to submit to his will... not in anxiousness but in contentment. I am reminded how I have such a hard time trusting him. Trust goes hand in hand with Faith... Faith... Faith... hmmmmm (contemplating moment)

Waiting Game!

I am now 38 weeks and I am very eager to deliver this baby. By my third baby, I,now, know when I need to go in, so I am waiting for the PAINFUL contractions to be consistent. My Braxton Hicks gets pretty painful but not consistent enough for me to go in. On Sunday, however, I suffered from severe back pain that would constrict and radiate to the front of my belly. I was thinking I must be having back labor pain but wasn't so sure. Then that night I couldn't sleep at all b/c of the back pain and then I developed a fever and got chills. I should have called the doctor but I was trying to be brave and thought that I must be getting sick and not in labor. i didn't get any better on Monday and I was sweating perfusely all day. My mom insisted that I call the MD. I went into the hospital b/c my MD suspected a kidney infection. I had to give a urine specimen via catheter. (worse than giving birth in my opinion). All the labs came back negative. They said I must be in early labor with just a viral infection (not conclusive).

Well, I'm feeling better and my back pain is not as severe as before. I am feeling very tired and I get these painful contractions once an hour so I'm just waiting for the "OH MY GOSH>>> I NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

My mom arrived last week and she's been such a big help to me. I know I can be such a brat to her but she loves me and I am so blessed that she's my mother. She's so funny, too. I've been having such a great time with her and my girls love her so much especially E. E loves her halmoni. She wakes up and the first thing she does is look for halmoni. She's always around her halmoni. So cute. I'm glad that they are bonding. It's so endearing that I wish that my mom could live near us. I understand though that God has a calling for her and I can't be so selfish.

So I'm just waiting for our new baby... in all my achey ness... I wait in prayer....

Prom Season

CONTENTMENT

In our women's group we are reading a book called "how to calm an anxious heart". I think it's pretty challenging so far. Eversince I read the chapter "Content to Be Me" and the chapters following, I've been doing a lot of self-evaluation. I realized that I don't think I'm happy with myself. I've never been the type to have the healthy self-esteem. Lack of attention growing up, not finding a talent that I could be praised for, verbal abuse of being over weight... I found God to be a comfort in times of hardship but my desire to please him was never there. Due to my lack of a relationship with God, I lacked wisdom in my decisions in the past. I made poor decisions and I've been bitter for so long. I know this dwelling of the past makes me angry and more angry. At God? No... I just wonder why God let me make the choices I've made and I have such wounds in my heart ... I wonder when he'll heal them. I want to be content with me, with my life, and with my relationships.

I want to be able to say what Paul said in Philippians 4:11-13:
I'm not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

The very sins that keep me from this contentment is so strong. Its hold on me is so strong. I pray to God to change me but I feel that I take couple steps forward but then I end up taking steps backwards. Forgiveness... why is it so easy to forgive those who don't mean anything but harder to forgive those that mean the world to me. The inability to forgive creates bitterness of the heart. The book quotes "Bitterness seeps into the basement of our lives like run-off from a broken sewer pipe. Every form of ugliness begins to float to the surface of those murky waters: prejudice and profanity, suspicion and hate, cruelty and cynicism. There is no torment like the inner torment of bitterness, which is the by-product of an unforgiving spirit. It refuses to be soothed, it refuses to forget. There is no prison more damaging than the bars of bitterness that will not let the battle end."

The book revealed a prescription for contentment:
1. Never allow yourself to complain about anything- not even the weather
2. Never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else
3. Never compare your lot with another's
4. Never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise
5. Never dwell on tomorrow-remember that tomorrow is God's not ours.

What does this woman of contentment look like ?

I just want to give up and just wallow in my sadness. Is it my pregnancy hormones? Why do I feel so weepy and feel like this injured being? I have so many blessings but I seem to lack trust in God.

BED ESCAPE

We bought J a toddler bed yesterday. She was so excited. She kept getting in the way when Hubs was putting it together. We set the bed next to E's bed so that they can see each other. I put them down and I can hear the pitter patter of J's feet going to E's bed. They are laughing and talking. I peeked in and J is in bed with E.

I sternly told J to stay put in her bed but everytime I leave,again, I hear the pitter patter of j's feet. Again and again she runs to E's bed. So I turned out their night light and then E starts crying. (She's afraid of the dark) But 5 minutes of crying from the both of them, they fell sound a sleep. Hopefully, it'll get easier. If not, we'll just bring back the crib and try again when the new baby comes.

J turned 2 on April 6th. I can't believe how it all went by so fast. It just seemed like yesterday, she came into the world.

We got her a Barbie power wheel and she loved it. At first, she wasn't all that excited until she sat on it and E showed her how to use it. She laughed the first time it just went with a push of a button. She kept ramming in to the walls and get stuck and E would pull her out and redirect her. They did that all morning while they watched Dora.

This was E when she came down and saw the gift and was told that it was for J. She was so sad. Hubs kept telling her don't touch until J comes down. And that she'll have to ask if she'll share. E goes, " Can I touch a little bit?" Hubs answered, "No, sweetie!" and then the tears kept coming. Poor thing. She got over it quickly. We invited a family over and they brought a gift for E too. A computer game which E loves to do. The little bike became a distant memory. (Thanks WK)

Isn't she so cute? This girl LOVES to eat. So adorable...

It can't be a birthday without a kiss from a cute boy.

J loves Dora. Doc Bro uncle got her Dora clothes and she was so excited to see Dora. She wanted this dress on as well as the dora underwear. We went to church and we tried to take this dress off her but she wouldn't have it. she insisted wearing the dress over her clothes. She is so funny. And then she'd dance like crazy and twirl.

Chuck e Cheese

E is such a great older sister. I love how she takes care of her little sister.

Father's Night!

There was Father's Night at E's school last night. The children preformed songs for their fathers. E was SO excited. Hubs didn't know how to work the video of our camera so I don't have a clip of her singing.

They prepared a card and a picture of themselves in a frame to give to their daddies. When E and Hubs came home, E told Hubs not to fight with me over her picture. Then Hubs said..." E, the picture is a gift for me." E responds, " No, daddy. You need to share with mommy." ha ha ha

A movie, I'd recommend watching. It's heart-warming and a sweet movie. It's not oscar worthy but it's very touching.

BP and SD got hitched on March 24th!! I got to be a bridesmaid again. It was so much fun. BP looked beautiful and SD looked so handsome. They were so so so so happy.

It's so funny. E has been singing this song from this Gap commercial. I caught her a couple days ago intently watching the commercial. Then just tonight she was singing" what you can do I can do better... yes I can yes I can" and then she runs and grabs J's pants on the floor and tried to put them on just like how claire danes does at the end of this commercial. HILARIOUS!!

Oh, and my little J is going through some kind of naked phase. I'll be doing some house work and I'll go down to our playroom to check on her and she's in the nude. She just loves taking off her clothes. Then a couple of Sundays ago, at our church she lifts her shirt and flashes some poor boy. HMMM!! I hope she doesn't go to Mardi Gras...

Are You Speaking Spanish?

Two weeks ago, we were sitting in our church pew. E has a friend around the same age as her and they are inseperable. The friend and her family were sitting in front of us. Her friend, T, has a little sister the same age as J and they were passing snacks to each other. I noticed they were speaking Korean to each other. The little sister started demanding more snacks and T tells her in Korean "jookae, jookae, (i'll give it , i'll give it)" Then E leans over and asks T, " Are you speaking Spanish?" Hubs and I started cracking up. It was so funny.

I told this story to my mom and she didn't find it funny. "Why doesn't E know Korean... she should learn..." I know that she wants E to learn Korean and E knows some words but I find it hard to speak to her in Korean especially everytime I do... she'll respond by saying..." I'm not Halmuni!" E is so funny.

I think E knows more spanish then Korean. She watches Dora and she'll learn some Spanish word. I should find a show that's Dora-esque that teaches korean words. My mom will be coming soon so maybe I'll ask her to speak korean to E.

I cut J's hair a couple days ago. She always pulls out her hair ties and it was just getting too long and getting in her face. I think I did an okay job. It makes her seem so much older. I can't believe she'll be an older sister. She has such a personality and she's just too funny. Hubs and I joke that she's our black sheep. She really isn't that bad but she has it in her to be a bad girl. I dread the teenage years...

NAMES NAMES NAMES

I was reading one of those Parenting Magazines and there was a little section about baby names. What's hot and what's not. I have the name Addison Kait reserved for my baby if it's a girl. But according to the article, Addison is the Hot girl name. HMMM. Its got me thinking. Yes, the name was introduced to me through Grey's Anatomy. (Paging Dr. Addison Montgomery-Shepherd) So I've changed my mind. Even though I really like the name... I am fearful that when the baby is ready to go to school she'll be surrounded by Addisons. So... we've decided on another name.

Elizabeth Kait... and we'll call her "Lizzie"

I'm loving this new song by Akon. He's known for "Smack That" and "I wanna Love You". (Nice dance music.) I think he's kinda cute, too. ;)

This is "Don't Matter"

Sorry, I've been MIA. My dear friend BP is getting married at the end of this month and I've been helping her out. I've been trying hard to be a good bridesmaids. It's been fun and I've been feeling great. But I'm just starting to feel the weight of the baby.

This past Friday night, we, the bridal party, threw her a shower/bachelorette party in the city. We reserved a hotel room at the Sofitel hotel and we had her shower there and then we went out barhopping. BP looked beautiful and she seemed very happy. The GCF girls sure know how to party!

I was having a bit hard time keeping up. It was cold and the girls were walking fast. I was like , " wait for the pregnant lady." ha ha ha It was great fun.

It was a success!

Eventhough I could hear J and E singing and talking to each other until 11pm, they both fell a sleep without crying or running out of the room. It was so cute hearing them laughing and talking. E enjoyed sleeping in her new bed.

E woke up at 7 am. She usually wakes up at 9 on non school days and on school days at 8:30. It just felt so early. So, of course e's crying for me woke J up and they both started their day at 7.

I am so excited that E was so good. I know having J in the same room was a big comfort for her. Baby steps... baby steps.

We decided to bite the bullet and move E out of our bed and into her younger sister's bedroom. We went to Ikea and bought E an adorable toddler bed. So this is the first night that J and E are sleeping in the same room. I hope it works out. I was hoping that J would be ready for a toddler bed by now but I don't want to try just yet. I just want to begin with training them sleeping in the same room together. So far not a peep but yet again, the night is still young.

Since I'm entering into my third trimester soon, I've been stressing and worrying about everything. Home decorating stuff, my brothers moving out, the third baby coming... I've been anxious and I've been trying to lift everything in prayer but it is so hard to do.

I've been so sick the past week. It started out with a mild sore throat and Sunday night I wanted to stick holes in my head to relieve the excruciating pressure in my head. Everytime I'd cough I'd have shooting pains all over my head and down my neck. I couldn't swallow and I had body aches and chills. I usually get over colds in a day or two but by Wednesday, I still was feeling horrible. Hubs had taken the last 3 days off to take care of me and my girls. I guess, he felt an urgency for me to feel better. He made a MD appointment for me. He even lashed out a bit of rage when they refused to see me because I'm a new patient. I haven't been to a doctor since I was 12 except for my ob/gyn. I usually am resilient except for this cold. I can't seem to get rid of.

Well, I saw the doctor and I have the flu with a sinus infection. I'm starting to feel a bit better. I remember enjoying being sick when I was single b/c it was a liable reason to just lazy around. Watch tv/movies all day... mommy cooks me my meals... Being a wife and mom, I feel the pressure to get better. Hopefully, I'll get better soon.

What can I say? I can't seem to shake the teeny bopper in me.

I've been watching this new show on ABC called "Brothers and Sisters". You may recognize some of the cast... Sally Fields ( mega movie star)... Calista Flockhart (Ally McBeal), Rachel Griffiths (6 feet under)... Bethazar Getty...Ron Rifkin ( the old guy from Alias)...

I really like it. Everytime I watch it, I'm encouraged to have a big family. I just love the relationships between the siblings and the children's relationship to the mother . The writing is smart and witty. Does anyone remember the family drama picket fences? I use to love that show even though now, I don't remember much of the show but I remember loving it at the time.

I was surprised that no one on the show has been nominated for anything or the show itself. I like it... and hope that it gets renewed. I know, I have enough shows to watch...