I returned to my home in America and to my existing friends at the same school. They’ve all changed. They were all so grown up while I still felt like a little girl. I desperately tried to fit in with them. I tried to go out and do things to become socially popular but my mom was so controlling she did not let me do anything with them. I acted out but in the end it just created such anger and rage with in me. I decided to be more active in church. I’d try to build my faith … I grew more bold in my faith and my now old friends called me the Jesus fanatic and I tried to share the gospel with them but I became so judgmental. It became easier to hang out with other believers. I thought I was a faithful Christian… mature in faith. But I’ll later realize I had a huge crack in my foundation. I totally missed the mark. I realize that because of my cracked foundation, my wrong view of God, I could not grow in Christ. I tried to portray myself to be a mature Christian because I did what I was suppose to but I didn’t know it in my heart. I loved God but I loved Him for the wrong reason. As a wise woman said, “Goodness is the greatest hinderance to the Christian faith.”
The last 2 years of high school was extremely hard for me. I underwent extreme hardship and I began to doubt that God loved me and that I was chosen to be his child. But I was doing the motions and I was trying to be obedient. I didn’t do anything bad. I went through the motions thinking… If I keep doing this God will finally save me from my miserable life and I’d find happiness. He’ll finally bless me. But what I didn’t realize is that my truth was a lie and while I was going through the motions, my heart started becoming bitter.
Then I went to college, I had a very emotional and an extremely hard first semester and I came out broken and instead of running to God, I ran away. I started dating Bill, and our relationship was very unhealthy from the start. As my heart grew harder, the more anxious and the more miserable I became. My spirit was broken and I needed healing and I just did not know how to get it. I expected so much from Bill and I’d punish him if he didn’t deliver what I thought he was suppose to do or be. I did not know how to end the cycle of destruction in my life and how to heal my heart. All the fears I feared about marriage, happened to me. Abandonment… betrayal… Every time each hardship came, I’d depend on God and then when things were all good, my dependence moved to Bill. God made sure to break the illusion of Bill being my Savior that he could heal me. And I continued to be broken. I’d fall in to this darkness… bitterness … anger… resentment… discontentment… Every time it’ll be deeper and my heart would be hardened before long my heart was rock solid. And I was ugly not skin deep ugly… I was deep bone ugly.
My brother moved in and he encouraged Bill and I to go to church with him. I was reluctant and my ugly heart spoke of how hypocrites all Christians were and that I didn’t need to be part of the body to grow. I was calloused , cynical, and ugly. I went back to church and I started clicking with some girls and because of my lack of connection with my husband, I spent a lot of time with my new friendships at my church. I continued to battle this embittered heart and I was waiting for God to come and take it away. My life became messy. My anger and my discontentment effected all areas of my life.. home, friends, extended family and even the church. But meanwhile I knew I needed God but I focused on why God wasn’t blessing me. When will I get what I deserved? Why wasn’t my life getting any easier? I wanted out of this darkness but I was in bondage.
I waited sometimes patiently but mostly impatiently for what I thought I deserved. I even sometimes used my difficult situation as a reason for my poor service to God, the church and everyone. I can’t serve because of my life is miserable. Last December, Bill had the opportunity to interview for a new job. I thought finally God is blessing us. This job would bring some financial relief and he’d have an easier work schedule ( improved quality of life). I started praying more regularly and read the bible more often during the time of waiting to hear if Bill got the job. When Bill didn’t get the job, I was so disappointed. I had a bad attitude… “God your loss… if Bill got the job, we could have given God our time and money.” I was back to being mad and dark. “Why God do you not love me? Are you punishing me? How long do we have to suffer?”
A few weeks after my moping, during women’s bible study, Wonmin encouraged me to fast t.v. and secular music. I remembered , Wonmin encouraged me to do this fast last year for a whole year. . “It’ll change your life” she said. I didn’t do it because I doubted that it would work for me. I already decided that I could only be that Christian that surrendered ½ way and not all the way. But this time, I did it for 1 week. With out any distraction, I was able to hear God that week. I prayed for God to reveal to me why he wasn’t blessing me? And then I got my answer…. IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU! I finally saw the big picture not my picture but God’s picture. His great design. Sin is my enemy… not God. I was so blind. All this time my primary goal was for my comfort and happiness And I thought, once I’ve reached that worldly happiness then I can glorify God. How could I have missed it? I realized that God loves me not so that He can serve me but He loves me so I can serve Him. He did not spare His only Son to die on the cross for my sin so that I can have a stress-free life and live it up with the “Jones”. He has given me a gift so that I can no longer be a slave to sin… a slave to the world. How selfish I’ve been and in my selfishness, I’ve been so cold-hearted and so caught up in ME. I surrendered all my pain, bitterness, unforgiving heart, resentment, and all my desires to gain what the world had to offer (materialism).. … I surrender it all! Jesus said, If you hold to my teachings, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. I finally do feel free. “There’s a peace I’ve finally come to know!”
Philippians 3:7-11 (New International Version)
7But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. 10I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.
I desire to glorify God. I’m convicted to live my life: every decision , every action,: I want it to glorify God. I now have a hunger for God’s word. I want to be under the shadow of His wing forever. I now feel encouragement , comfort, fellowship, tenderness and love from God. I have no doubt that God is real. I am striving to live a life where I will have no regrets. When I see my heavenly Father, I want him to be so proud that I didn’t waste the one life He gave me. I desire heavenly wisdom which is first of all pure: peace loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy, good fruit, impartial and sincere. I want to raise up a harvest of righteousness. I want to be a servant of God. In the past, I wronged my mother and my brother Andy, because they were such a burden to me. I am so ashamed to have treated them the way I have. But I found redemption in Christ and I desire to serve them and I want them to be encouraged by seeing Christ in me. I want to help in their healing through the Love I now possess because of what Christ has done for me. I have a desire to serve my church so that I can help in its revitalization. My heart has tenderness and compassion for others. I desire for my holiness to be evident in me and I desire that for my children . And most important, I desire to be a noble wife. Proverbs 31 is my guide. I no longer rely on Bill to be my Savior but I now know and believe to the core that Jesus Christ is my Savior. I am already saved. I now realize that Bill is the perfect husband for me. He had a big part in humbling me to God. “All I need is Jesus, rich or poor, I want him more than anything that glitters in this world.” I read this and thought this is so true for me. “ Someone has said that God is a gentleman and He will not force His will on us; we must give Him permission to rule in our lives.” I have finally found peace… and I rejoice and give Praise to God. If He can change my heart, He is a powerful God.
