Bunny is a great big sister. I am blessed that she is so nurturing and loves taking care of younger ones. She's very thoughtful and so good with Puppy. I've been using her to keep an eye on him while I do some stuff around the house. But whenever I hear him cry, I run down and start lecturing Bunny on how she has to be better at watching him. Then one day, as usual when I hear Puppy crying, I run to them and ask Bunny why he's crying. And then I start on my lecture about how she has to be better at watching him and then she goes, " Mommy, I'm only 4. (sigh), I'll try to be better." That shut me up... I forget sometimes that she's only 4, she is just such a great helper to me. I hope that I don't take advantage of it and then she'll grow up hating the responsibility of being an older sister. She's just so willing to help out. "I'll do it mommy"'

Lamb is not like Bunny. She doesn't like taking care of younger ones. She tends to want to hang out with bigger kids. One day:

Mommy: Bunny, watch Puppy for me, I'll be right back.
few minutes later,
Bunny: Lamb watch Puppy while I go pee pee.
Lamb: NO. (sweet voice)
Bunny: (shocked) what? I have to go pee pee. I'll be right back.
Lamb: (sweet) no, no thank you.

Lamb has started playing with Puppy a little more but whenever I go down to play room, I always see Puppy and Bunny playing together and Lamb is off on her own playing. So funny how different personalities can be.

Forgiveness

I've heard this phrase about forgiveness, " You can forgive but don't forget." By not forgetting, you safeguard yourself from getting hurt again. But I find it ironic. By not forgetting, aren't you holding on to the pain? I find it is easier to forgive people for minor things. Things that are easily forgettable. But those huge things like betrayal of loyalty and trust which is hard to forget because the result is a deep panging pain that can last and last and last, are not forgettable.

I read in a Christian book that forgiveness is something you need to keep doing for a certain wrong. We don't have the ability to erase certain hurts from our minds. So every time we remember that wrong, we need to quickly lift it up and forgive over and over again.

I understand the importance of forgiveness. The kind that holds no account of wrong and gives a clean slate every time. The kind of forgiveness I hold dear for God has so graciously given me for everything I've done. I'm sure the pain that I suffer is nothing that he suffers but how is it so hard to achieve. It requires discipline such discipline.

This is my version of forgiveness. I'll physically forgive but in my heart I don't forgive. I'll be nice but I'll keep my distance so that I won't show the anger and bitterness I hold inside. So I'll keep people at a distance, all is good because I protect myself from further pain but where I find it challenging is when it's people who I can't runaway from. I become this bitch. It's my hurt talking. I think it's my defense mechanism. I realize I can be such a mean person... a jaded person.

I know I need to heal first but if I don't have the space and time, how can I heal. I can act like everything is fine but deep down inside my heart, it is bleeding and I have no way to stop it. It's my first step to forgiveness. I watched the movie the 'The End of the Spear',based on a true story, it was about a boy whose father was brutally murdered by amazon villagers. The boy's father went to spread the gospel to these villagers and they came in peace but they were killed. The boy and his mother went to those villagers and lived among them. Later the boy grew up and he and his family went back to minister to those people. It was revealed to him who killed his father and he forgave him. He became good friends with this man. As a special feature they followed Steve Saint, all grown up, with the man who murdered his father, traveling through out America together. I saw no bitterness come from Saint but complete love for this man. How is that possible? I know how it's possible but what discipline it requires to achieve that.

How easy it is to forgive a person when you don't see their face and you have all the time in the world to heal? Or maybe that is just an easy way out to true forgiveness. How I just want to runaway! How easy it is to runaway so that I don't have to deal with all the pain and hurt.

I am such a hypocrite. I'm not doing all I can. I haven't read the bible and I haven't truly prayed in a few weeks. Yes, I have no discipline. NONE. I'm lazy and I may be masochistic. I must love pain. I have the solution, I know it in my head but I just don't feel it in my heart. My heart again has harden and I'm feeling like such a hypocrite... thank goodness for "grace"... AH! I'm sooooooooo selfish. :(

AMERICAN IDOL

I've watched American idol the last couple of seasons. I always start out saying that this is the last season, I'll watch. You'd think it would get old but... this season does look exciting. I don't know if I'll be able to vote or watch on Tuesday nights because I have my women's group. Oh, I wish i didn't give away our DVR. I just know I don't have self-control. If I get it again, I'll be watching tv 24/7... Beannie's Log, you'll be my eyes and ears. ;)

So far she's my favorite...Syesha Mercado!

Dork!

I was talking with hubby's 21 year old nephew. We were talking about his future plans. He said he'd be working full time and that he's actually really involved in one of his employer's project. He nonchalantly said, " I've been working with Su- Chin Pak from MTV. " My eyes widen... you mean Su-Chin Pak TRL ... she does the MTV music news. He's like yeah. "can you get her autograph?!" He laughed. " No, really, can you get one... is it too weird?" I'm such a dork...

I Wipe My Own Butt!

A couple of months ago, I was watching Supernanny and it showed the nanny being so shocked that the mother still wiped her 8 year old sons butt after a bowel movement. It got me thinking. What is the appropriate age to teach the life skill of wiping one's own butt? I asked a few moms and no one knew exactly when there child learned to wipe their butt or even how they taught them. They say one day their children just did it. Bunny is going to enter Kindergarten in the fall and I can't imagine their teacher taking time away from teaching to wipe my child's butt if she ever passes a bowel movement in school. So, I taught her. She was eager to do it. First time, she took the tissue paper and was rubbing her butt back and forth. If you can't imagine this, she was smearing her feces all along her butt crack. Gross. Then I taught her she only goes one way and that she needs to get a fresh paper each time. A couple of times, she got poop on her fingers but today... yes, today... she did it all by herself. She went upstairs after she announced she had to go "poo-poo". I was waiting for the "mommy, I'm done!" But I heard a flush and Bunny pops out of the bathroom yelling, "I wiped my own butt!! I wiped my butt... I wiped my butt BY MYSELF!!"" I was so proud of her. Hopefully she did a good enough job that I don't see any skid marks on her underwear. She's growing up. (sigh)

Yesterday, Lamb managed to keep her underwear dry the whole day. She's been a little terror potty training but I hope she'll get the hang of it, soon.

JINXED

There was a running joke between me and my husband that he was jinxed. It started out that Hubs shouldn't go to any games. Every time he went to a sporting event like our teams football, ice hockey, or baseball, out team would lose. I remember taking him to a Flyers game (NHL). The Flyers were hot that season. They were on a winning streak. We went to the game and they were favored to win. they ended up losing 0 to 9. I joked that he should be banned to sporting events because he was cursed. Then last year it seemed like every team he'd root for, they would end up losing. We had this running joke but I didn't really truly believed it. Until...

So this season, when the Cowboys were playing the Giants for a spot in the Superbowl, Hubs joked that he'd root for the cowboys because if he did they would lose. I laughed and said that he should root for the Cowboys but knowing full well that the Cowboys were the favorite to win. So I really expected the Cowboys to win and this question of a jinx would be out the door. Then the cowboys lost. I was shocked.

Then came the superbowl. I hate Tom Brady. I don't know where all this animosity came from but he just gets under my skin. So I was going to root for the Giants. Hubs told me that the Patriots haven't lost a game all season and that they'd most likely win. So to my surprise come game night, he's rooting for the Giants. Then the Patriots score a touchdown and they were leading 7 to 3. I turn to him and told him that he has to root for the Patriots. "STOP ROOTING FOR THE GIANTS", I'd scream. Then when he started really rooting for the Patriots... THE GIANTS WON!! I turned to him and said," Hon, you really are jinxed!"