God's Miracle

It's been a long time since I've updated my blog.

When I reflect this past year, I am amazed by God's wonderful grace.  A gift that I so do not deserve.  In the beginning of 2009, I truly was able to see God's gift to me.  I was able to surrender.  I place my focus off myself and onto God.  I knew the spirit was telling me to work on humility and servanthood.  The very things I being such a selfish person, was unable to do before. So I worked really hard... in studying GOd's word and in prayer.  I saw change... the thing I thought would make me so weak actually made me stronger and I became a blessing.  I know at times I'd grow tired and the visibility of my sacrifices seemed to reap no immediate benefits but I'd fall and dust myself up and get right back up.  I didn't see what GOd was doing ... What he was preparing me for...  so that I can be used for His glory and to prepare me for  what is ahead...

This past fall, my mom was diagnosed with cancer.  It was a recurrent cancer from 15 years ago that had reappeared.  Surgery was the only possible cure.  BUt this surgery would leave my mother disfigured and a new way of life that for anyone can be left crippling physically and emotionally.  My mother didn't want this at first and wanted to try chemotherapy.  SHe had 4 cycles before she returned to me.  SHe came over Christmas break.  She was so weak.  She lost her hair and she was in such pain.  I had to take care of her.   Let me tell you... only through God's grace and love for me that I could serve my mom in all humility.  I wondered why the spirit wanted me to focus on humility and servanthood.

To better explain, my mother was initially diagnosed with cancer when I was a junior in highschool.  Since my mother was so sick, I had to take care of her and my two brothers. I had the resources to do it but I chose to be bitter and selfish.  When I think back, I cringed at how sinful I was.  How selfish I was...  I was horrible to everyone and especially to my sick mother.  I can't bear to repeat some of the venomous things I said to my mother in my many tantrums. I see now how many opportunities I missed to be a blessing to others and the opportunities to really be able to shine God's grace and love.

God has redeemed me and He has given me another opportunity to be an ambassador of Christ. Even though it isn't my choice of  ministry, but I have embraced the will of God.  In this season, I will serve my mother.  What the spirit has led me to seek was to really equip me for what was ahead.   It's been hard and I know that my sinfulness fights and tries to feed me lies about how unfair my life has become.  But I know the truth and the truth will set me free.  Even in this dark time of suffering, I will rejoice because I know that this suffering will lead to perseverance and perseverance, hope in Jesus Christ.

God is faithful... Everyone around me sees this amazing change in me and only through Christ am I this new creation.  I am a joy, they constantly tell me.  As my mom says, "my daughter who I gave up on.. with her  horrible dirty temper... she is God's miracle!"