Emma was a flower girl last Saturday. She was a flower girl with her friend , Taylor. They’ve been friends since the day Emma was born. Taylor was born 6 months before Emma. As I watched them get their hair done, I couldn’t help getting emotional. Where did all that time go? It seemed like yesterday when Taylor’s mom and I couldn’t wait for them to just get old enough where they would interact with each other and play together. They were babies and now they look like young ladies.

Well, they were so adorable. We got there early and they practiced walking down the aisle and throwing pretend flowers. They were like pros. However when it came time for the actual walk down, they looked at all these strange faces and they held hands down the aisle. So they were unable to throw rose petals but they looked great. They were also so good through out the service. I thought they’d get antsy and they would start talking loudly to each other but they were so good. Especially when Stella and Jaeson were exchanging their vows, they were intently watching them.

When we got to the reception, Emma couldn't wait for the dancing to begin. She'd ask me every 10 minutes..."when do we start dancing?" Finally, it was time to dance and boy, did she dance! I did too. It was a lot of fun but I couldn't help thinking of Jadyn. She'd love it so much. Luckily we have a family wedding next summer and she'd dance it up then.

After we drove out of the parking lot of the reception place, I turned around and I saw Emma. She was so exhausted.

Congratulations Stella and Jaeson!!!

I'm feeling much better. Thanks for all the words of encouragement and prayers.

I went to my yearly check up at my OB/Gyn. My doctor asked me if my husband went for that vasectomy and I said that he hasn't and that I'm interested in oral contraceptives. She asked me if I already had one in mind and I answered, " my husband wants me to try YAZ." You know the one with the commercial with the upbeat music " we are not going to take it.. no we are not going take it any moooooooooooore..." and you see women kicking irritablity, moodiness, etc. Hubs said that it suppose to help with PMS. "babe, you need this." So, I went home with a prescription for YAZ. I hope that I won't get fat ( last time I was on oral contraceptive I blew up and gained 15 pounds).

I got my weight checked and I gained 10 lbs. I was so upset. So I was debating to do Jenny Craig but when I looked into it ... I just don't want to be bothered by talking to consultants on a weekly basis. So I 'm truly cutting out sweets and really going to try portion control. And of course, really be compliant on an exercising regimen. Why am I obsessed all of sudden? Well, I told myself that I'd treat myself to a new dress for a wedding and I set forth a goal weight and now the wedding is the day after tomorrow. I am no where near my goal weight. I wasn't really trying but I was hoping going to football practices and running here and there , I'd lose all the weight. Instead, I gained weight. Muscle mass maybe. NO, I really look big. It didn't really help going out and trying on dresses with my friend who is like a size zero. Here she's trying on so many cute dresses and everyone of them looked great on her and here I am struggling to get into dresses and coming up looking like a big balloon. (think of the girl in the willy wonka chocolate factory, violet, who blows up in to a big blueberry... ME) So I treated myself to a new pair of shoes... thank goodness, feet do not get fat and new shoes always look good on my feet.

So, I am going to really get serious. I even took a fully body picture which will be my before picture. So wish me well and whenever you see me please let me know that I'm looking good. hahahhaha Just kidding.

There's this dark cloud hovering over my heart. I believe that this darkness was plaguing my heart for a long time... it began in college and with every year, with every wound it got darker and darker and I became so bitter and angry. Why is this happening to me? Last year summer, I escaped it and I've found a way to keep this darkness at bay but I find it creeping back and it's really hard to fight off. I'm exhausted spiritually and physically. The one comment that hubs said to me was " don't let satan break us up." I found it so annoying but is this the work of satan? I'm just so depressed... so depressed. I'm sure it's hormonal or I"m hoping it's hormonal.

Life is so hard. Is there really a perfect life? Is life perfect when there are no trials and no hurdles to overcome. Is life not to be challenging? I've heard that living life with purpose is the perfect life. Do I have purpose? I claim to be a christian but I don't see myself living for God. My life no ways emulates the life of Christ. I know in my mind what I need and what the solution is but I'm just so resistant. Why do I do this ? How do I break the chain? How do I stop thinking if only I had this... if only I had chose that... if only I was wiser... if only I was from this... if only....

I really wish that I was a great writer. I wish that I could write eloquently stories of my life in short period of time. So much happens and I tell myself I need to jot down memories so I won't forget. I think if I was a great writer, I could write a lot of them down quickly without thinking... it'll come naturally so that I don't have to look at a blank screen and think how I could put into words the feelings ... the stories... life...

Well, over the summer, we took our girls to chuck ee cheese a lot. They love it there. Jadyn is afraid of the moving band of mice on the stage. She'd point to it and look down as if looking at them would bring her harm, and she'd say "scary ... scary" well, one time we went and hubs and I were going around trying out the games. We did the basket ball thing... we did the skeeball thing and then came the soccer thing. It's this caged box where the bottom is open where the ball rolls down and you kick the soccer ball to hit it into this goal. Hubs was wearing mules type sandals. (slides) well, he kicked the ball really hard and I see the ball flying along with his shoe. I then see him turn behind him looking for his shoe. I don't know why he thought the shoe was behind him. I start laughing because his shoe is in the middle of this cage and there is no way we can get to it. So hubs is hopping around trying to figure out how he can get his shoe back. He was so embarassed. I'm thinking we have to get the manager to open up the cage to retreive his shoe. I was rolling on the floor. Hubs was trying really hard but there was no way we can reach his shoe. SO we had to find the manager and ask him to open up the cage. It was so funny.

Emma scored a goal today. We had her play soccer this fall and I was disappointed that she wasn't very competitive. However, today she was aggressive and she got to score a goal. I missed it because I was at football practice. I was so proud. She's becoming such a tomboy. She still loves girly things but she can't stand wearing dresses. She'll cry when I bring out a dress for her to wear. If she wears a dress for church, the second she comes home she runs upstairs to her room and changes into a shirt and shorts. She's so funny. Jadyn however is my little diva. She loves dressing up.

Time flies. I can't believe fall is here already and JD is 5 months and becoming so interactive. He loves to smile at people and he really is a good baby. He only gets fussy when he's hungry or extremely tired. I was cooking dinner and the girls were playing in their playroom and I had JD laying on the ground watching them. He starts to cry after 1/2 hour and I'm trying to rush so that I can go down and get him. I hear Emma starting to call me. "mommy, Jonah is crying... mommy, Jonah is crying..." Then I hear the pitter patter of her feet coming up the steps and into the kitchen. I turn to look at her and low and behold she is holding Jonah. I wanted to scream "BECAREFUL" but I was afraid I'd scare her and she'd drop Jonah. I ran to her and I told her that she can't hold him like that. Then she goes," mommy, he was crying>" I know I'll get him. "mommy, I'm a big girl." "okay, but ask me before you go and pick him up." My little Emma is all grown up. She loves being maternal to Jonah. It's so cute to watch. Jonah really lights up when he sees her. He only laughs at Emma. Emma would be telling me a story and I"m holding Jonah and he'd laugh at her. It so funny. It's funny that he reacts differently to Jadyn. He's not as happy to see her and he rarely laughs at her. I am curious to see how they'll all interact with each other when they get older.