Christmas 2009

Jonah Starts School

Jonah started school and it was not a great start.  Before the first day, we talked about school for a week and he seemed  excited.  He'd run around the house with his spiderman backpack and even Jadyn's girlie backpack.  On the first day, we get there he's walking with his back pack on his back.  One step in the classroom, he turns right around and tries to escape out the door.  Holding Cara, I blocked him with my leg and then he starts screaming and crying.  The teacher grabs him and she mouths to me, "just go!"  I was like okay and I hesitated but I just ran out and I could hear him screaming "mommy".  As I was driving out of the parking lot, I regretted signing him up and felt that he may be too young to start school.  I was running errands with one child and it was so nice.  I had a good one one one time with Cara and I decided Jonah will just have to deal.  I know so selfish.  The next  few times he'd kick  and push his backpack away and say, "no School!" and pout.  It was quite cute but tearing him away from the car seat and him screaming through the parking lot was not fun.  But once he got to the door, he'd walk right in to see the live turtle they got after the first day (genius).  Now, he likes going.  He doesn't cry anymore.  And he'll come home and open his bag and share all the things he did at school.  It is so cute.  And I am enjoying spending those  2 hours with Cara.  Can't imagine the freedom I'll feel when all the kids are in elementary school...  I know, it'll be here in a blink of an eye...

FREEDOM

psychology + theology   = Freedom

psychology = revelation   theology= healing

Empty Me by Chris Sligh

I've had just enough of the spotlight
When it burns bright
To see how it gets in the blood
And I've tasted my share
Of the sweet life
And the wild ride
And found a little is not quite enough

I know how i can stray
And how fast my heart could change

Empty me
Of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition
And the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me
So i can be
Filled with you

Ive seen just enough of the quick buys
Of the best lies
To know how prodigals can be drawn away

I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change
Empty me
Of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition
And the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me
So I can be
Filled with you

Cuz everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you
Compared to you
Cuz everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you
So I surrender all

Emp

I've had just enough of the spotlight
When it burns bright
To see how it gets in the blood
And I've tasted my share
Of the sweet life
And the wild ride
And found a little is not quite enough

I know how i can stray
And how fast my heart could change


Empty me
Of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition
And the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me
So i can be
Filled with you

Ive seen just enough of the quick buys
Of the best lies
To know how prodigals can be drawn away

I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change
Empty me
Of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition
And the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me
So I can be
Filled with you

Cuz everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you
Compared to you
Cuz everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you
So I surrender all

Empty me
Of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition
And the poison of my pride

Empty me
Of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition
And the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me
So I can be
Lord empty me of me
So I can be
Filled with you.
Filled with you
Empty me
ty me
Of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition
And the poison of my pride

Empty me
Of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition
And the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me
So I can be
Lord empty me of me
So I can be
Filled with you.
Filled with you
Empty me

Change of Heart

Today, is my birthday.  I've started this thing where I'll pray to God my resolutions of the day every morning.  These resolutions aren't I need to lose 5 lbs, I need to complete my to-do list, etc.  My resolution is to love God more... which encompasses.. the desire to be humble which leads to submitting to his word which leads to obeying his word which leads to holiness which leads to loving God with all my heart ,with all my soul and all my mind and loving my neighbors as myself.  

So in the past birthdays, I'd wake up thinking how I can milk the day.  What I expect to happen for me... I expect people to serve me.  There were many birthdays I spent depressed because Hubs failed to bring enough attention and devotion to me.  I'd demand I want this and that... expensive gifts but they never satisfied.  I would justify not doing anything because it was my birthday.  As a mother, that could never be, so I'd be crabby, harsh and mean.

I woke up this morning making the resolution that I will be a servant.  Even when hubs left this morning without wishing me a happy birthday, I was sweet to him.  I asked a friend with 2 little kids to come over so I can serve her lunch. She didn't know it was my birthday but I wanted to payback her kindness for taking Emma and Jadyn for couple hours some days.  I went to the store in morning and I cooked hot meal.  I was so expecting to cook dinner but I got a pleasant call from a friend that she was going to make my family dinner... steaks. It's amazing the blessings God does give when you choose to give yourself... to bring attention to the needs of others.  Today, I try not to focus on myself.   I was so blessed.

I was so blessed, today.  It's the first birthday in a long time, I feel peaceful and happy.  Truly all I need is the love of Christ.

I know that this blog has been filled with a lot of God, lately, but I can't help but share how God continues to work my heart.  Not that it's always like this, my spiritual walk has been a bit of a roller coaster.  Once I surrendered my life, I was soaring high but the last few months, I've had my dip but I'm learning that it's when I turn my focus on myself instead of Christ, I fall.

Like Peter walking on water.  He was walking on water when his eyes was fixed on Christ and he started sinking when his eyes saw the wind and the storm.

Today was a good day... and praying resolutions help me because on days I don't meet my resolutions which are spiritual broken days, and I examine my heart and search the root of my sins... which have a constant theme... pride and self-centeredness (placing myself above God), I rest in Him and pray that he break me to repentance.  

This is turning to be sermon-like. ew!   I just wanted to document how a service focused birthday turned in to the best birthday ever.

A Gift..

I've grown up most of my life in the suburbs.  I don't like traveling in to the city.  I don't like parallel parking.  I don't like the congestion of the traffic.  And I think people are mean.  Rough and crass.  To be in the city, you got to be strong and confident.  I try to avoid the city unless someone drives me.  I do like eating there though...

Well, I've been trying to be proactive in my life.  I found myself being led by my anxiety and trying to live my life burden and anxious free which leads me to be at home all day since I find it extremely difficult to travel with four kids.  Hubs always tried to accommodate this for me because if I went anywhere like grocery shopping or anywhere with the kids, I'd be miserable and crabby when he came home from work.  Well, I've been convicted for the last 6 months to be a "noble"wife.  Reading and memorizing Proverbs 31:10-33.  I try to be diligent and to really serve Hubs...  I'm trying...

So this summer, I've been taking the kids to the pool, library, mall, and trying to find places to take them. I'm trying very hard to free up Hubs time in the home.  Things I can clearly do while he's at work, I need to be diligent.  It's hard but  I try to remember godliness with contentment is great gain..  So true..  Not that I don't falter.  I often do. hmmm...  this post is ending up going on a tangent.

Anyway, I called a friend, a mother of three, to join me to visit the Morris Arboreteum because I heard they have  a tree adventure thing there.  She then suggested going to the Franklin Institute that it'll be free since she has a membership and she can get me and my kids in for free.  My old self would be very anxious and I wouldn't` go because of the driving in to the city and the anxiety of having to find street parking and then parallel park the big van.  But I know that the kids would enjoy it and that they've never been.  How could I pass up an opportunity for the kids to experience the Institute for free.  I studied the directions I printed out from mapquest.  I tried to get a visual... there were a couple of anxiety spots but I prayed.  Sounds so stupid to pray about something like that but "cast ALL you anxiety for He cares for you".  

As I was driving, I didn't get the usual butterflies that I usually get going somewhere unfamiliar.  I was pretty calm.  I also decided if I can't find parking,I can park in the institute's parking garage even though I know hubs would want me to drive around and try to find street parking to save money.

I drove slowly up the side of the Institute towards the front and I see an open spot right in front of the Institute.  But as I drove up I see a parking meter van pull in to it but I think he must of saw me because he pulled up further to open up the spot.  I wasn't sure if I could park there.  As the parking meter guy came out of the van, we made eye contact, I gestured," can I park there?"  He nodded.  Awesome!  I was able to parallel park with ease.  YES!  While I was getting the stroller out, I noticed the parking meter guy fiddling with my meter.  I thought oh, it must have been broken and he's fixing it or something.  He opened the thing up and took the thing inside and was doing something. He then left. I got all four kids out and I went to put money in the meter and to my surprise,  I see 2 hours already in there.  Did he put those 2 hours in for me?  Did he really do that?  How sweet !  He must have took pity on me seeing my four kids.  

It was a lot of fun.  My kids had so much fun.  You know, I realize that I decide not to do things because I think it'll be too much for me but when I choose to do it and I choose contentment, I always am blessed by it.  God really truly provides strength. " I can do everything in Him who gives me strength." 

GracePoint Women's Group Commercial

l
Ladies,  we are going to study Lies Young Women Believe.  I'm so excited about this study.  I read half of Lies Women Believe and it really has helped me be free... Studying God's word is a light onto our paths...

Where's the Cake?

My husband has been really busy starting a new job and everything. So I sometimes manage his personal emails which include church stuff. I don't have to do it often but we were discussing about our Pastor's birthday coming up. He was playing some ideas and he thought before men's group, he'd suggest for the men to go eat at the all you can eat kalbi place. And he said that he'd get a cake, too. Couple days later and 2 days before the actual day, a fellow brother in the church sent out an email to some people about it being our pastor's birthday , soon. I emailed him about our idea and that my husband will bring the cake. Well, I told my hubs about the dinner and that it was going to be open up to everyone in the church but I neglected to tell him that I volunteered him to bring the cake since I already decided I wasn't going (I would watch the kids at home).

So, while my hub was at the birthday dinner, I realized I forgot to tell him that he was definitely suppose to bring the birthday cake. I had an uh-oh but I convinced myself that my hubs would have thought about getting the cake on his own.

Cut he arrives home after the b-day dinner. He's telling me how great the food was and that our Pastor seemed to enjoy himself and that he liked his gifts. After 30 minutes of talking, I remembered about the cake and I asked, "did you bring the cake?" He said, "no.." , "yeah, no one brought the cake." I said, " I know, because I forgot to tell you that I volunteered you to bring the cake." He then got really upset and said that people were asking him where the cake was. after the dinner was cleared out, people were waiting around. and Bill was talking and his phone kept ringing. He didn't recognize the phone and then the person across from him picked up his phone and asked my hubs, "hey, did you bring the cake?" and Bill got so confused and answered, " No, did you?" and then he said they were saying that he sent out an email that he was going to bring the cake. and He was like, "I did? I dont' think I did." He was so confused and they kept saying how he said that he'd bring the cake. He thought they were joking and then he said to me that he got so confused and that they wouldn't let it go... He was thinking to himself, okay let's move on the jokes over but they were talking about how he was suppose to bring the cake.

I could not stop laughing at how funny it must have been. I asked a friend who went about it. And she couldn't stop laughing and said, "Ah! that was why he looked SO confused!" He must have looked so clueless!

SO funny...

Undo by Rush of Fools

I've been here before, now here I am again
Standing at the door, praying You'll let me back in
To label me a prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

Chorus

Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
[ Rush Of Fools Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
You’re the only one who can undo
What I've become

I focused on the score, but I could never win
Trying to ignore, a life of hiding my sin
To label me a hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

Chorus

Make every step lead me back to
The sovereign way that You

Chorus

The Boy is Talking

The past week, I've noticed that Jonah is talking.  He's saying words... and I can see the words he's trying to say.  I'm so relieved and so happy.  I was worried and many people have tried to comfort me and tell me that boys are late talkers... And it's happening...  He's saying mmmm consonant. He says Hello very clearly.  Oh, he's talking.  I'm soooo happy.  Just when I was about to call early intervention.  

I tell the girls they can't play the computer on Sundays. This past Sunday, after we got back from church,  she squeezes by me as we walked in the house and she runs into our computer room and I hear her say, " I'm going to play computer....oh, man I forgot I can't play computer.  I HATE SUNDAYS!"  And the melodramatic person that I am,  I gasped and said,"  what,  Oh, Emma!"  and then she just burst in to tears and she said, "Ahhhhhhhh!  I didn't mean.. I mean... ah!!!!!  I don't like Sundays but I still LLLLLLLLLoooooooove Jjjjjjesus!"  She so hilarious.   I told her she can play the computer, if she wanted to.  I had to run back out and as I was walking out I saw Emma playing downstairs and she didn't play the computer.  

I hosted a farewell party for a dear little sister last Saturday.  It was a bit hectic and I lost my wallet again  In the past year, I've replaced 3 atm/credit cards.  One, I left in the atm machine, and the other two are floating around the house.  I can't put anything in children's reach b/c they take and they play with it and they dont' put it back and they forget where they left it.  I'm thinking Jonah's the culprit.  So since Saturday, I've been ransacking my home in search of my wallet.  I just replaced my card last month.  I wonder if they record, how many cards one person replaces.  Today I gave up.  But I'll randomly ask Jonah, if he saw my wallet.  He'll light up and lead me to my cellphone.  My purse.... the diaper bag  and then out of no where, he comes and says, "here it is!"  And he hands me my wallet.  He's such a sweet boy but man, he's testing his boundaries all the time.   

The Lost Get Found by Britt Nicole

Hello my friend
I remember when you were
So alive with your wide eyes
Then the light that you had in your heart was stolen
Now you say that it ain't worth stayin'
You wanna run but you're hesitatin'
I'm talkin' to me

Don't let your lights go down
Don't let your fire burn out
'Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe
Why don't you rise up now?
Don't be afraid to stand out
That's how the lost get found
The lost get found

So when you get the chance
Are you gonna take it?
There's a really big world at your fingertips
And you know you have the chance to change it
There's a girl on the streets, she's cryin'
There's a man whose faith is dyin'
Love is calling you

Don't let your lights go down
Don't let your fire burn out
'Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe
Why don't you rise up now?
Don't be afraid to stand out
That's how the lost get found
The lost get found

Why do we go with the flow
Or take an easier road?
Why are we playin' it safe?
Love came to show us the way
Love is a chance we should take
I'm movin' out of the way

Don't let your lights go down
Don't let your fire burn out
'Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe
(Stand out)
Don't let your lights go down
Don't let your fire burn out
(Stand out)
'Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe
Why don't you rise up now?
Don't be afraid to stand out
That's how the lost get found
The lost get found

So when you get the chance
Are you gonna take it?
There's a really big world at your fingertips
And you know you have the chance to change it

Live For Today by Natalie Grant

Natalie Grant: Live For Today
Sittin' in my room staring at the wall
Wonderin' about the meaning of it all
Why is it this thing called life
Has got me goin' crazy
So I open up your word and let it speak to me
The purpose and the plan that you've designed
Is clear to see, and I believe

Chorus:
I'm gonna live for today
I'm gonna follow in your way
I'm gonna let my little light shine
Like there's no tomorrow
I won't worry about the past
I know my future is intact
So I'll choose to live my life one way
I'm gonna live it for today

You told me not to worry
About what lies ahead
So I am gonna focus on today instead
Making every moment count and counting
Every single blessing
I'm gonna set my mind on the
Here and the Now
This is what I want my life to be about
And this is How...

Repeat Chorus

Refiners Fire

Malachi 3:3

I was reading something the other day that reminded me of the following e-mail I got a long time ago. I thought it would be good to reread as a reminder:

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it." If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

( I did not write this but a friend emailed it to me and it encouraged me...)

Flying Jelly Bean

Jadyn had a ballet recital back in June. Since she was in the 3 to 4 year old group, it was an informal performance. It still was in a nice auditorium. We brought all our kids. I brought Jelly beans for Jonah since I knew he'd be eager to wander during the performance. We were watching the performance and Jonah was seating on my lap. He wanted to roam around so I brought out the jellybeans and I was feeding him one by one. Out of no where, he lets out a deep cough and I see this jellybean shoot out of his mouth and it proceeds to hit the woman in front of me in the back of her head. Then it falls down the back of the woman shirt. I WAS HORRIFIED! It took me a moment to realize what just happened. The woman then throws her hands up in pure disgust and whispers nastily, " WHAT IS THAT? IT'S down my shirt!" I started apologizing perfusely. I started feeling the back of her shirt to see if I could locate this lost jellybean. She kept saying, "forget it forget it!" This woman was UUUUPSET. Then I found it and I dragged it up using my hands and then I got it at the nape of her neck. It was gross. It was sticky and wet. I apologized again and she didn't say one word and just kept looking straight ahead.

My mother in law was there and she leaned over and said," That was so hilarious... look at her she's fuming mad. He's only a baby... she should be more understanding." I hope the woman will forget all about it next fall when ballet resumes. I think she's a mother of a child in another class. Thank goodness. So embarassing but so funny....

I"m Back!

I survived the year. My youngest Cara is now one. She's such a delight. It was a crazy year but I survived it. Only through God's grace... having four kids all under the age of 6 is really hard. There were many times I felt like I was going to go crazy. But I survived it and I feel like I can breath a bit. Life is extremely busy but it's a good busy. I move with a purpose and I feel very blessed. It's funny how you just let certain things go and you accept what you think would put you in more bondage but it just sets you free. Free to do God's will... no matter how small it may seem to others ... I finally see that I am planting seeds, I am tending to plants that I hope and pray one day will be amazing, beautiful and most glorious plants.

My church had 30 days of morning prayer. I woke up every day except Sundays at 6 am and went to pray with other members of my church. I was so tired but I really was efficient. moving quickly and getting so much done. Now that it's over I've been meaning to run during that time before my kids wake up, but I have failed miserably. I feel so lazy and not motivated to do anything. Ugh! I must get out of this funk. I got loads of wash to do and I got loads of wash to fold and put away. I hate folding laundry and putting it away. If only, I could have a house maid...

Jonah still is not talking very much so I'm going to have to call Early intervention. I heard great things about this free service so, I'm going to call. I've been trying to put it off because I was just hoping my now he'd be talking up a storm. He's grunting and pointing. And he gets so frustrated when we can't understand him. I'm trying to patient and wait for him to sound things out but Emma feel so bad for him that she'll translate for him. he'll be saying stuff and I'll say I can't understand you...use your words. And he'll start crying out of frustration and Emma will come up and say, "mommy, he's saying.... this " I know, I would tell her I told her I just want him to use his words. And Emma said that it upsets him. She's such the protective sister.

I'll hope to document more things... so fun having 4 little ones...

My Testimony

I was introduced to God at the age of 12 when I moved to South Korea.. My father completely fell into the dark side and he was never home and when he was home he was verbally, mentally and physically abusive. Also, since I was placed in a Korean public school, it was very hard for me to follow. All I wanted to do was just play. My mom encouraged me to go to church. on Sundays. I went reluctantly and I met my Sunday School Teacher. She was a warm and loving woman. She taught with passion and after class she’d stay behind with me to simplify the lesson since my Korean was so bad.. I don’t quite remember exactly what it was I learned but I know that I fell in love with God. God really shed his grace on me during those years in Korea. I was so depressed but God pulled me through and I returned to America 2 years later a believer.

I returned to my home in America and to my existing friends at the same school. They’ve all changed. They were all so grown up while I still felt like a little girl. I desperately tried to fit in with them. I tried to go out and do things to become socially popular but my mom was so controlling she did not let me do anything with them. I acted out but in the end it just created such anger and rage with in me. I decided to be more active in church. I’d try to build my faith … I grew more bold in my faith and my now old friends called me the Jesus fanatic and I tried to share the gospel with them but I became so judgmental. It became easier to hang out with other believers. I thought I was a faithful Christian… mature in faith. But I’ll later realize I had a huge crack in my foundation. I totally missed the mark. I realize that because of my cracked foundation, my wrong view of God, I could not grow in Christ. I tried to portray myself to be a mature Christian because I did what I was suppose to but I didn’t know it in my heart. I loved God but I loved Him for the wrong reason. As a wise woman said, “Goodness is the greatest hinderance to the Christian faith.”

The last 2 years of high school was extremely hard for me. I underwent extreme hardship and I began to doubt that God loved me and that I was chosen to be his child. But I was doing the motions and I was trying to be obedient. I didn’t do anything bad. I went through the motions thinking… If I keep doing this God will finally save me from my miserable life and I’d find happiness. He’ll finally bless me. But what I didn’t realize is that my truth was a lie and while I was going through the motions, my heart started becoming bitter.

Then I went to college, I had a very emotional and an extremely hard first semester and I came out broken and instead of running to God, I ran away. I started dating Bill, and our relationship was very unhealthy from the start. As my heart grew harder, the more anxious and the more miserable I became. My spirit was broken and I needed healing and I just did not know how to get it. I expected so much from Bill and I’d punish him if he didn’t deliver what I thought he was suppose to do or be. I did not know how to end the cycle of destruction in my life and how to heal my heart. All the fears I feared about marriage, happened to me. Abandonment… betrayal… Every time each hardship came, I’d depend on God and then when things were all good, my dependence moved to Bill. God made sure to break the illusion of Bill being my Savior that he could heal me. And I continued to be broken. I’d fall in to this darkness… bitterness … anger… resentment… discontentment… Every time it’ll be deeper and my heart would be hardened before long my heart was rock solid. And I was ugly not skin deep ugly… I was deep bone ugly.

My brother moved in and he encouraged Bill and I to go to church with him. I was reluctant and my ugly heart spoke of how hypocrites all Christians were and that I didn’t need to be part of the body to grow. I was calloused , cynical, and ugly. I went back to church and I started clicking with some girls and because of my lack of connection with my husband, I spent a lot of time with my new friendships at my church. I continued to battle this embittered heart and I was waiting for God to come and take it away. My life became messy. My anger and my discontentment effected all areas of my life.. home, friends, extended family and even the church. But meanwhile I knew I needed God but I focused on why God wasn’t blessing me. When will I get what I deserved? Why wasn’t my life getting any easier? I wanted out of this darkness but I was in bondage.

I waited sometimes patiently but mostly impatiently for what I thought I deserved. I even sometimes used my difficult situation as a reason for my poor service to God, the church and everyone. I can’t serve because of my life is miserable. Last December, Bill had the opportunity to interview for a new job. I thought finally God is blessing us. This job would bring some financial relief and he’d have an easier work schedule ( improved quality of life). I started praying more regularly and read the bible more often during the time of waiting to hear if Bill got the job. When Bill didn’t get the job, I was so disappointed. I had a bad attitude… “God your loss… if Bill got the job, we could have given God our time and money.” I was back to being mad and dark. “Why God do you not love me? Are you punishing me? How long do we have to suffer?”

A few weeks after my moping, during women’s bible study, Wonmin encouraged me to fast t.v. and secular music. I remembered , Wonmin encouraged me to do this fast last year for a whole year. . “It’ll change your life” she said. I didn’t do it because I doubted that it would work for me. I already decided that I could only be that Christian that surrendered ½ way and not all the way. But this time, I did it for 1 week. With out any distraction, I was able to hear God that week. I prayed for God to reveal to me why he wasn’t blessing me? And then I got my answer…. IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU! I finally saw the big picture not my picture but God’s picture. His great design. Sin is my enemy… not God. I was so blind. All this time my primary goal was for my comfort and happiness And I thought, once I’ve reached that worldly happiness then I can glorify God. How could I have missed it? I realized that God loves me not so that He can serve me but He loves me so I can serve Him. He did not spare His only Son to die on the cross for my sin so that I can have a stress-free life and live it up with the “Jones”. He has given me a gift so that I can no longer be a slave to sin… a slave to the world. How selfish I’ve been and in my selfishness, I’ve been so cold-hearted and so caught up in ME. I surrendered all my pain, bitterness, unforgiving heart, resentment, and all my desires to gain what the world had to offer (materialism).. … I surrender it all! Jesus said, If you hold to my teachings, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. I finally do feel free. “There’s a peace I’ve finally come to know!”

Philippians 3:7-11 (New International Version)

⁷But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. ⁸What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ ⁹and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. ¹⁰I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

I desire to glorify God. I’m convicted to live my life: every decision , every action,: I want it to glorify God. I now have a hunger for God’s word. I want to be under the shadow of His wing forever. I now feel encouragement , comfort, fellowship, tenderness and love from God. I have no doubt that God is real. I am striving to live a life where I will have no regrets. When I see my heavenly Father, I want him to be so proud that I didn’t waste the one life He gave me. I desire heavenly wisdom which is first of all pure: peace loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy, good fruit, impartial and sincere. I want to raise up a harvest of righteousness. I want to be a servant of God. In the past, I wronged my mother and my brother Andy, because they were such a burden to me. I am so ashamed to have treated them the way I have. But I found redemption in Christ and I desire to serve them and I want them to be encouraged by seeing Christ in me. I want to help in their healing through the Love I now possess because of what Christ has done for me. I have a desire to serve my church so that I can help in its revitalization. My heart has tenderness and compassion for others. I desire for my holiness to be evident in me and I desire that for my children . And most important, I desire to be a noble wife. Proverbs 31 is my guide. I no longer rely on Bill to be my Savior but I now know and believe to the core that Jesus Christ is my Savior. I am already saved. I now realize that Bill is the perfect husband for me. He had a big part in humbling me to God. “All I need is Jesus, rich or poor, I want him more than anything that glitters in this world.” I read this and thought this is so true for me. “ Someone has said that God is a gentleman and He will not force His will on us; we must give Him permission to rule in our lives.” I have finally found peace… and I rejoice and give Praise to God. If He can change my heart, He is a powerful God.

Philippians 3:13-14 (New International Version

¹³Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

More Love to Thee

More love to Thee, O Christ, more love to Thee!
Hear Thou the prayer I make on bended knee.
This is my earnest plea: More love, O Christ, to Thee;
More love to Thee, more love to Thee!

Once earthly joy I craved, sought peace and rest;
Now Thee alone I seek, give what is best.
This all my prayer shall be: More love, O Christ to Thee;
More love to Thee, more love to Thee!

Let sorrow do its work, come grief or pain;
Sweet are Thy messengers, sweet their refrain,
When they can sing with me: More love, O Christ, to Thee;
More love to Thee, more love to Thee!

Then shall my latest breath whisper Thy praise;
This be the parting cry my heart shall raise;
This still its prayer shall be: More love, O Christ to Thee;
More love to Thee, more love to Thee!