I have moved!

I have to move because this blog is linked to my old email and for some reason blogger will not let me change it .  So...  I'm just moving HERE!  I started blogging for 7 years now... my old blog,  I deleted and now I realize I could of exported and saved it. :(  It may be a blessing because I was definitely living life without knowing my true purpose.  How sad I was... AH! again, I am seeing how awesome God is.

Thanks for walking with me!    Hope to see you there.

J's Artwork

Jadyn's Artwork was chosen to hang at our neighborhood Dunkin Donuts.  We took the whole family to eat a scoop of ice cream and admire J's artwork.  She was so proud of herself.  And of course little C did not want to be left out and demanded that I'd take a picture of her too.

Wakeup Starlight - One Step Away

I remember once
when I was just a child
and I figured it all out

and we don't have to wait too long
we'll take the long way home
they've never known about

sometimes i feel an emptiness
that I don't always show
cuz you won't let me go

I just wanna fall we go higher and higher
we are so alone here we burn in a fire
we were only one step away from the flame
we were never there at all but you remember my name
my name

I've waited here for all my life
but they don't seem to care
they don't listen here at all
and we have only one thing left
but I don't wanna go
no I don't wanna know

and we could see so clearly
but I'm not afraid to know
cuz you won't let me go

Amazing grace
how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but know am found
was blind but now I see


I don't know about the lyrics  or what it means.  But I just feel like it is resonating something inside of me that I can't seem to put in to words...  I'm one step away and I know what I need to do but my body just doesn't want to follow... But God has a hold of me and He understands that I need time to mourn my losses...

Blessed Be Your Name

I went through a dark period these past few months.  I had lost heart.  I have a husband who continually struggles with his addiction.  Every time I have hope that he'll be able to conquer his sickness and all is good and I declare God is good, wam!, I come back to dealing with the aftermath of my husbands addiction.   Hubs continues to struggle.   Already we are in a financial danger and the consequence of decades of his addiction cost us.. me.  I had the hope that God could take this addiction and there would be a quick fix. But after yet another relapse,  I threw my hands up and I spit on the cross.  I don't want this.  I WANT OUT!  I stopped having time with God and I stop meeting with the body and I slowly finding myself isolating myself.  Then lies start taking root in my heart and I am defenseless against it because I turned away.

But I have come back to repent at the feet of Jesus.  How self-centered,  I've become, AGAIN.  And God showed His grace to me, again.  God does not let go.  His promises holds true.



 I love this song by Matt Redman, "Blessed Be Your Name".. .  I've been singing this song for many years...  First couple years...  I sang it because i love the melody .   then the next few years, the lyrics start to sink in.  Comes the bridge, "you give and take away, you give and take away and my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed by your  name."  the "take away" always left me with mixed feelings.  If God loves us, why would He take away?  What kind of love is this?  I feel love when I'm given things but when someone takes away, I don't feel loved.  In a way, I thought it's cruel.  Why would God take away?

Yes when bad things happen, I get angry and bitter.  I start to lose heart... all this hard work to conform to Jesus to be like Him felt worthless.  Working so hard to be diligent to get to know my savior in hopes for the fruit.  But when suffering and burdens just continue to flow and no sign of any fruits of my labor.  I lost heart.  I started battling with these lies and I start resenting everyone around me.  Where are they... they don't care.. I'm drowning but no one cares.    I tried to go back to the way I was.  Alone.. in my misery.  I started building a wall around my heart.   I started trying to do everything on my own.  I shut God out.   I'm going to get this comfort and security on my own.  But what is the gospel?  what is the reward?  The reward I want is comfort and security.  For some reason I thought that is what God promised me but it's not... what he promised was so much better.  And out of thanksgiving,  we are to glorify  God.  And as John Piper stated so eloquently, "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him."     It's not God is most glorified in us when we achieve security and comfort.

In my darkness,  I was not comfortable. I know before I was comfortable  and even felt empowered in my bitterness.  But the holy spirit was crying out in pain.  I was grieving the spirit.  Then this message reminded me what is the gospel...  who is Jesus... what did Jesus do...  my life is not my own.  My view on life became so small... I lost completely the eternal perspective of life.  As I sat listening to this message that cut my heart like a sword... the word of God. Luke 9...  I must die to self every day.  And there will be suffering... we will suffer...  I want to rejoice in my suffering.

I try to make the gospel about me but in the end it's all about Jesus.  I keep buying in to this prosperity gospel.  That Jesus will deliver me from a life of burden and suffering to a life of comfort and security.

Isn't that a big test of maturity?  When suffering comes and we still rejoice in our Lord.  "blessed be your name"  When I see my brothers and sisters rejoice in  our Lord in dark times, I see His glory the most.  I see how He comforts and redeems.  He refines us in the fire.  How I've prayed do not bring pain and suffering to me... can't I just be refined without the fire.. please.  But I know in the deepest part of my heart... that is not what it is about.  I have to hold dear the word of God because without it I buy in to the lies of this world so easily.    I want to mature... I want to grow in my love  for Jesus so even when the darkness closes in  and I walk through the desert and wilderness and there is suffering, I want to mean it when I sing "BLESSED BE YOUR NAME!" ..  I do...  I pray I get there... soon.

I was reminded of 2 Corinthians 4:7-18 ESV7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. 8 We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; 10 always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. 11 For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. 12 So death is at work in us, but life in you.

13 Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, “I believed, and so I spoke,” we also believe, and so we also speak,14 knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. 15 For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.

16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self [3] is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Glorifying Jesus

@ International House of Prayer   Hit Message Tab-----> Stephen Venable: Glorifying Jesus 12/31/2010
I listened to this message by Stephen Venable twice.  First time, I couldn't get into it I was just not open to listening.  But I've been listening to IHOP's posted praise worship...  and I can't believe how music created by God can be soooo beautiful...  I've been so blessed that I purchased their CD.  anywhoo, I haven't been able to pray or read the bible for a long time now... so I've been singing praise songs as my prayer ... because singing I want to do.. Still going back and forth  Spiritual battle...

Sat and listened to this Message and I just started bawling and crying....  Without the word of God, how easily it is to be swept away with lies ... and become so lost so quickly...

how I keep wanting Jesus to meet my needs... How I use Jesus to be my life coach, my sugar daddy, my therapist, my mascot,my genie in the bottle...  and when He takes away, I feel angry bitter and resentful.

The lie: I tell myself is... Jesus wants me to be happy and comfortable because he loves me, right?  If the world sees, how successful, how wonderful, how gifted, how comfortable my life  then they would see that believing in Jesus is the way to go...  I'm giving into this prosperity gospel..

Stephen Venable says that the bible tells us tha t "jesus, wants us to HATE our life."  He asks, " Is the gospel there to  affirm us and give us stuff? " NO!  then I struggle... isn't that harsh... isn't that what love is... if God gives me what I want isn't that love 

Then Venable  shoots out bible verse after bible verse... we can not refute the bible... it is truth.. 

We are to conform to Jesus... We are to follow Jesus...  It is not about us... We are here to glorify God.  

And when we reduce Jesus to being there for us so that we can be comfortable and for our "self-preservation" we are shifting towards depravity of man we are dimming the light on what we are suppose to be shining.  The gospel becomes worth less. There will be a great falling away.

The bible says if we take up our cross and follow him... WE WILL SUFFER... THERE WILL BE SACRIFICES... just as Christ did.  We are to imitate Christ...   because of what He has ALREADY done for me.  He is the creator, sustainer, of life He took on flesh for us to suffer and die.  He rose again and He's in heaven ruling over us... He set us free.   And He created us for His glory.  and if I need  to hate my life and suffer the loss of all things my flesh holds dear  to bring Him glory then I want to.

I keep wanting to go with the grain to think I can have self-preservation  and self-ambition   while bringing Glory to God that I can balance my life with the things my flesh holds dear with serving God but I see plainly that is not what the word of God says.  We need a violent allegiance to Jesus  a love that is fierce and consuming... non-doubting. To see those who serve God exceptionally and radically is normal because that is following Christ and not to think it strange or believe that that is a higher calling.   but as a believer of Jesus Christ to see this exceptional and radical faith as being normal... that is what we should be.  VENABLE reminded me that the gate to heaven is narrow...  I want to go through that gate...  I don't want to lose my way...

From God to Me...

I knew what I was getting into when I called you.
I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, but I said it just the same.
I knew what I was getting into and I still want you.
I knew what I was getting into.

I knew what I was getting into and I still chose you.
I knew what I was getting into and I still want you.
I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, but I said it just the same.
I knew what I was getting into.

And I am not shocked by your weakness.
And I am not shocked even by your sin.
And I am not shocked by your brokenness.

I knew what I was getting into and I still want you.
I knew what I was getting into and I still like you.
I knew what I was getting into and I still chose you.

Cuz only I can see the end from the beginning.
And only I can see where this is going.
And only I can see the end from the beginning.
And I see in you the seeds of love.
And I see in you strength when all you see is your failure and all you feel is ashamed.
I can see deeper than that.
I know you better than that.

I knew what I was getting into when called you.
I knew what I was getting into when I said your name.
I said it just the same.
I knew what getting into and I still want you.
I knew what I was getting into and I still like you.

Your only at the beginning.
You've only just begun and I know where you are going
And all you can see in the moment is that your hurting.
And all you can see in the moment is that your aching.

I knew what I was getting into when I called you.
I knew what I was getting into and I still want you.
I knew what I was getting into and I still like you.
I knew what I was getting into when I called you.

Just don't give up.
And don't give in.
If you don't quit. You win, you win.

Just don't give up.
And don't give in.
If you don't quit. You win, you win.

Everything is in my hands.
It's going to be alright.
Everything is in my hands.
It's going to be alright.
It's going to be okay.
Everything is in my hands.
It's going to be alright.
It's going to be Okay.
And you don't have to pretend to be something or someone your not.
Cuz I know you better than that, even better, even better than that.
Listen my Beloved.

I knew what I was getting into when I called you.
I knew what I was getting into when I said your name.
I said it just the same.
I knew what I was getting into and I still like you.
I knew what I was getting into and I still chose you.

True Grit

TRUE GRIT see HERE

BLACK SWAN - Official HD trailer

Your Highness - Official Trailer [HD]

'No Strings Attached' Trailer HD

HAPPY NEW YEAR

We went down to Ocean City to spend some time with Hub's family.  His parents bought a new home with a lot of room so we went down for one night.  It was fun.  No matter what issues we have with family, it is nice to spend time together.  Isolation is bad and the only way to feel connected is to have quality time together.  I see hub's parents and I'm sad to see how they are getting older and that holding grudges and placing expectations is so not worth it.  It was nice just talking and sharing stories.  Hub's family is so witty and funny.

One story by my brother in law Chris:  Uncle Bernie...  hard to keep track of people when you have  such a huge family.  At thanksgiving dinner, Uncle Bernie (Hub's father's brother) sitting at the table.  He's talking to Hub's brother, Chris, and his son and Hub's mother (also, Chris's mother) and he's telling family stories and then Uncle Bernie goes, " Did you know my brother Dan adopted two boys from Korea?" And Chris shockingly says, " Oh, really my brother was adopted.  I had no idea"  He said it so funny.  I was dying of laughter.  so funny.

Another funny story, Chris's son when he was 4 years old asked his father if he was chinese when he was young too like Uncle "hubs".  He thought Hubs would turn white as he got older.  

It was a fun time.