Blessed Be Your Name

I went through a dark period these past few months.  I had lost heart.  I have a husband who continually struggles with his addiction.  Every time I have hope that he'll be able to conquer his sickness and all is good and I declare God is good, wam!, I come back to dealing with the aftermath of my husbands addiction.   Hubs continues to struggle.   Already we are in a financial danger and the consequence of decades of his addiction cost us.. me.  I had the hope that God could take this addiction and there would be a quick fix. But after yet another relapse,  I threw my hands up and I spit on the cross.  I don't want this.  I WANT OUT!  I stopped having time with God and I stop meeting with the body and I slowly finding myself isolating myself.  Then lies start taking root in my heart and I am defenseless against it because I turned away.

But I have come back to repent at the feet of Jesus.  How self-centered,  I've become, AGAIN.  And God showed His grace to me, again.  God does not let go.  His promises holds true.



 I love this song by Matt Redman, "Blessed Be Your Name".. .  I've been singing this song for many years...  First couple years...  I sang it because i love the melody .   then the next few years, the lyrics start to sink in.  Comes the bridge, "you give and take away, you give and take away and my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed by your  name."  the "take away" always left me with mixed feelings.  If God loves us, why would He take away?  What kind of love is this?  I feel love when I'm given things but when someone takes away, I don't feel loved.  In a way, I thought it's cruel.  Why would God take away?

Yes when bad things happen, I get angry and bitter.  I start to lose heart... all this hard work to conform to Jesus to be like Him felt worthless.  Working so hard to be diligent to get to know my savior in hopes for the fruit.  But when suffering and burdens just continue to flow and no sign of any fruits of my labor.  I lost heart.  I started battling with these lies and I start resenting everyone around me.  Where are they... they don't care.. I'm drowning but no one cares.    I tried to go back to the way I was.  Alone.. in my misery.  I started building a wall around my heart.   I started trying to do everything on my own.  I shut God out.   I'm going to get this comfort and security on my own.  But what is the gospel?  what is the reward?  The reward I want is comfort and security.  For some reason I thought that is what God promised me but it's not... what he promised was so much better.  And out of thanksgiving,  we are to glorify  God.  And as John Piper stated so eloquently, "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him."     It's not God is most glorified in us when we achieve security and comfort.

In my darkness,  I was not comfortable. I know before I was comfortable  and even felt empowered in my bitterness.  But the holy spirit was crying out in pain.  I was grieving the spirit.  Then this message reminded me what is the gospel...  who is Jesus... what did Jesus do...  my life is not my own.  My view on life became so small... I lost completely the eternal perspective of life.  As I sat listening to this message that cut my heart like a sword... the word of God. Luke 9...  I must die to self every day.  And there will be suffering... we will suffer...  I want to rejoice in my suffering.

I try to make the gospel about me but in the end it's all about Jesus.  I keep buying in to this prosperity gospel.  That Jesus will deliver me from a life of burden and suffering to a life of comfort and security.

Isn't that a big test of maturity?  When suffering comes and we still rejoice in our Lord.  "blessed be your name"  When I see my brothers and sisters rejoice in  our Lord in dark times, I see His glory the most.  I see how He comforts and redeems.  He refines us in the fire.  How I've prayed do not bring pain and suffering to me... can't I just be refined without the fire.. please.  But I know in the deepest part of my heart... that is not what it is about.  I have to hold dear the word of God because without it I buy in to the lies of this world so easily.    I want to mature... I want to grow in my love  for Jesus so even when the darkness closes in  and I walk through the desert and wilderness and there is suffering, I want to mean it when I sing "BLESSED BE YOUR NAME!" ..  I do...  I pray I get there... soon.

I was reminded of 2 Corinthians 4:7-18 ESV7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. 8 We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; 10 always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. 11 For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. 12 So death is at work in us, but life in you.

13 Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, “I believed, and so I spoke,” we also believe, and so we also speak,14 knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. 15 For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.

16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self [3] is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.