The past 3 weeks... like poison to my soul, I started to be discontent with my life. I'm not pretty ... the love between me and my husband is not romantic enough. Serving my family was just not making me happy. I need something for myself... Even serving at church, became such a chore. I felt lonely... I felt like I was running this race so fast with purpose. My eyes on the prize... I saw my goal and I was focused in getting there. But then my eyes began wandering and I realized the family I was supposed to be running with was no where in sight. I started becoming bitter and resentful. Then I started thinking thoughts like... All that I've done... All that I've sacrificed so that they could grow ... then I fell deeper in my place of escape. Watching these fictional lives on a 14 inch computer screen or television. My days I would just go through the motion ending with throwing my kids in to their bed so that I could have my "alone time". I knew in my mind that my heart was becoming calloused and I was walking further into darkness. Using my mouth to discourage and even be cynical. I was pessimistic and complained about everything and everyone. I was not patient or gracious at all. My husband was on edge not knowing if I'd be ms. Bitch or ms. Gracious. I knew that Hubby was on his way to Domincan Republic on a missions team. And I knew I needed the strength of the Holy Spirity to endure the whole week alone with 4 children to tend. But I wasn't willing to let go my sin and I refused to read His word and pray.
Unprepared that I was, I stayed up watching my shows in the freedom that my hubby wasn't there to stop me. But I didn't go very long the 3 rd day without Bill through God's grace, after rebuke from my two wonderful sisters , who never fail to speak truth in love, and the Spirit, I had to choose to sin or go running to the arms of my Father. I tried so hard to avoid them ... I didn't want to make a choice outwardly. I just wanted to secretly choose to sin... They knew I was going astray... I gave in and met with them... At the time, I seriously felt like they were the problem and not me. I felt like" I was okay, that there was no big deal the way that I am." I even felt like" I'm like everyone else." "Why are they S.O.Sing on me"... a familiar path, I know so well... God again revealed to me... the direction I'm going will only lead to destruction. that His way is the only way for me to live towards everlasting joy.
Satan is so good... knowing that in my laziness and my emotions... I missed my shackles and when I was in them, I knew they felt funny but yet, something so comforting familiar...
The very night I promised my sister that I'd fast media for a year and be consistent in my walk with God through reading His word and praying. I was convicted but as we prayed, the thoughts of not being able to finish watching the current season of the show I was currently into, I started having this anxiety attack. The moment she left, I ran to my t.v. and thought I'll just finish out the season tonight and I'll start my fast tomorrow. I stayed up until 2 am in the morning watching. I did feel guilty because I initially wanted to pray and repent that night but I chose to give in to my other desire instead.
After watching, I went to shower and I have glass shower doors that jam together sometimes. So I went to unjamm them and all of sudden I hear this loud pop and like a rain shower, thousands of glass pieces fell to the ground. My large glass shower door exploded and shattered. I was in inch deep of broken glass that completely covered in side and outside my shower. Blood was dripping down my belly, and hands. I was in complete shock. Did this really happen to me? But as I grazed my body, I only had few very small pieces of glass on my hands and belly. I had no gashes or large cuts requiring an E.R.
But when I looked around me, I believed it impossible, absolutely impossible for me to come out unscathed. As I walked out, having to step on broken glass, (it hurt like heck) and As I saw very sharp and thick pieces of glasses, I knew that God has covered me from a tragedy or a er visit.. stitches. All these worst case scenarios from this mess. I was home all alone at 2 in the morning. What a mess to clean up! It was so overwhelming that I even contemplated leaving the mess for Bill to clean up. I could see it... Hubby coming home from week trip to the Domincan Republic serving over 500 little children and telling him, "baby, you have a huge mess to clean up in the bathroom?"
I could have wallowed in self pity and blame Bill for what had happened. And my old self would probably blame this on him and make him pay. But I knew God was showing me something... I needed a visual reminder because just being reminded of truth by my sisters was not enough for me to make that U-turn back to the arms of my God. No, God had to visually show me... I can choose to continue to sin... i could choose not to have a relationship with God and not feed my soul richly with His word and not have any physical injury to me, myself, but there will always be a HUGE HUGE mess to clean up. And if I don't clean it up and choose to go on sinning, moving around in my mess, not only will I destroy myself , I will destroy everything around me. I repented that night and as tears flowed from my eyes, I prayed.
Yes, I'm sure many would say that I'm inferring a lot but I believe that this is what the spirit is revealing to me. Because if the spirit didn't then, my heart wouldn't have turn towards God. Only the spirit of God has that power and I am so grateful and humbled that God let me turn around... And after a week of reading His word and praying... I feel like I've come home, again. I am so hungry and I desire to have a relationship with God. Truly, there is no better place than in my Father's arms. NO PLACE. And that God does satisfy. Indulging in my wants or angry for not having what I want leads to resentment, hardness, crassness, and hate. It takes for me to go away for a bit to savor God but I hope to grow in maturity so that even tho I feel like God is not enough for me, I know in my heart that He is all I need. And I won't go astray... I know that even tho my emotions lie and tell me that I don't need God today, I'll be self-controlled to say," no, God will always be first!"
I will feed myself His word and anything that encourages me towards growing in my relationship with God. God's word is the only thing that let's me see God and guards me from the world. How can I call myself a Christian and not want to know Christ? And the only way to know Christ is through God's word. Nothing else!!! And if my heart grows weary, I will run towards sisters that will encourage me with truth. I will not isolate myself because it makes it that much harder to come back out of blindness. I don't want to be there.
Psalm 1
1Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.
and on his law he meditates day and night.
3He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.
4Not so the wicked!
They are like chaff
that the wind blows away.
5Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
but the way of the wicked will perish.
1 comment:
thanks for sharing unnie..praise God :]
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