Forgiveness

I've heard this phrase about forgiveness, " You can forgive but don't forget." By not forgetting, you safeguard yourself from getting hurt again. But I find it ironic. By not forgetting, aren't you holding on to the pain? I find it is easier to forgive people for minor things. Things that are easily forgettable. But those huge things like betrayal of loyalty and trust which is hard to forget because the result is a deep panging pain that can last and last and last, are not forgettable.

I read in a Christian book that forgiveness is something you need to keep doing for a certain wrong. We don't have the ability to erase certain hurts from our minds. So every time we remember that wrong, we need to quickly lift it up and forgive over and over again.

I understand the importance of forgiveness. The kind that holds no account of wrong and gives a clean slate every time. The kind of forgiveness I hold dear for God has so graciously given me for everything I've done. I'm sure the pain that I suffer is nothing that he suffers but how is it so hard to achieve. It requires discipline such discipline.

This is my version of forgiveness. I'll physically forgive but in my heart I don't forgive. I'll be nice but I'll keep my distance so that I won't show the anger and bitterness I hold inside. So I'll keep people at a distance, all is good because I protect myself from further pain but where I find it challenging is when it's people who I can't runaway from. I become this bitch. It's my hurt talking. I think it's my defense mechanism. I realize I can be such a mean person... a jaded person.

I know I need to heal first but if I don't have the space and time, how can I heal. I can act like everything is fine but deep down inside my heart, it is bleeding and I have no way to stop it. It's my first step to forgiveness. I watched the movie the 'The End of the Spear',based on a true story, it was about a boy whose father was brutally murdered by amazon villagers. The boy's father went to spread the gospel to these villagers and they came in peace but they were killed. The boy and his mother went to those villagers and lived among them. Later the boy grew up and he and his family went back to minister to those people. It was revealed to him who killed his father and he forgave him. He became good friends with this man. As a special feature they followed Steve Saint, all grown up, with the man who murdered his father, traveling through out America together. I saw no bitterness come from Saint but complete love for this man. How is that possible? I know how it's possible but what discipline it requires to achieve that.

How easy it is to forgive a person when you don't see their face and you have all the time in the world to heal? Or maybe that is just an easy way out to true forgiveness. How I just want to runaway! How easy it is to runaway so that I don't have to deal with all the pain and hurt.

I am such a hypocrite. I'm not doing all I can. I haven't read the bible and I haven't truly prayed in a few weeks. Yes, I have no discipline. NONE. I'm lazy and I may be masochistic. I must love pain. I have the solution, I know it in my head but I just don't feel it in my heart. My heart again has harden and I'm feeling like such a hypocrite... thank goodness for "grace"... AH! I'm sooooooooo selfish. :(